Like a fly

It’s so hard not to get caught up in the bullshit, the daily grind that lacks inspiration. The fears that seem to present themselves each time an hour passes. I was so high for so long and now I’m standing on the edge, looking over into the turbulent seas. Leaning against the blustering wind to not be blown over.

I hate being this way, how am I to reflect peace and calm?

Let me rephrase that,I feel calm. I feel peaceful. It’s tinted with sad though. My soul doesn’t feel like its dancing right now. I need to rediscover my orchestra I fear they have stopped playing.

BUT! But …. What? Lol I’m a little lost right now. Send the coast guard.

I hope today presents you with opportunity to amaze yourself. I hope you have moments of delirious laughter.

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Like a fly

Pics or it didn’t happen

I ran my bath water to hot, it stings on my barely sunburnt flesh. Dear friends, these past two weeks have been hard. Best done In list form:

Moms breast cancer has been moved up to level 3. Time to start traditional chemo.

Mr. 2000 miles and I seem to be reaching some sort of pause in our relationship. Time, distance, families, work … Every excuse to put off saying goodbye. It makes my heart ache.

Because of the fierce loneliness I’ve been replaying all of my favorite scenes with those I’ve loved.

Better news:

Jazz fest and Festival International (check out NIYAZ incredible!) smashing success.

My nephew is reaching the second year of his arrival. His beauty reminds me of every lovely thing I can think.

Best news:

I love myself, I love you. I love.

I’m busy as a bee.

Healthy.

Positive.

Alive.

Sending you great peace today.

Pics or it didn’t happen

Moving

So I moved out of my family’s home three weeks ago. I hadn’t been sleeping very well at all. I tried to figure out why, stress, anxiety, fear? But it seems I’ve found my key:

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I haven’t had a dresser in …… 15 years. Seriously, made due with baskets and such. So my things were all over the floor. Helter Skelter. I bought the dresser yesterday, organized my bedroom and slept like a rock last night.

This is also an exciting week. Festival International is here, my favorite time of year. Jazz Fest is this weekend and my 2000 mile trip is in 39 days!!

Yes nilla an amazing amount of good is coming my way. I’m also returning some of it to you guys.

Thank you for reading/writing.

Moving

Chakras and alcohol

Yesterday was a great day, filled with happy people that spiced up my happy minutes. It was a day off for me, mostly because I reached into soapy dishwater and closed my hand around a butcher knife. I can’t work with a cut like that on my hand. Any way, the cut happened, but I washed all my sheets and comforters, let them dry in the warm sunshine. Had lunch with my family.

Then later as I was painting my chakra colors onto a giant canvas I get a text. “Want to go out on the town?” Its so rare that I do out, I said yes. While getting ready things started to happen. My body began responding to my touch, I started to feel more than content and happy. I was excited. Excited to feel pretty and flirt. Excited to watch the interactions between people.

About two hours in I see this handsome familiar face walking towards the bathroom. A while later he exits and spots me, pleasent surprise washes over him. He smiles and licks his bottom lip. “Hi” he mouths over the roar of music and laughter. We stare for a moment, my group of friends totally absent to what’s going on. He walks over and his hand slides into my waist, around my back. Neatly covering the distance from side to side. Without any effort pulls me into his body. His cheek against the top of my head. His scent filling my senses.

The heat of our bodies against one another brings me back to our last time together. It brings me back to his bed, his lips against my neck. His hands roaming the landscape of my body. My desire pumping through me. The hug has already extended into making people around us uncomfortable. People playing pool reaching up to tap on his shoulder asking us to move. We pull away but his hand stays warm on my hip. Drawing a line to my belly button then leaving my body. He laughs looking down at me. “Its her birthday tonight.” And I know, who “her” is and I know “her” is here.

I back away slowly and sit down. We chat about nothing and then I shoo him off. For the next hour a group of five women skewer me. Roast me over the open fires of curiosity and support for their friend. I feel branded, I feel sorry that he keeps looking at me, I feel like I want to rip his clothes off and melt his bones, I feel lonely again. I feel like my fears are true.

Later I get a text “So sorry I couldn’t say bye, I probably would have gotten punched square in the balls” I smiled and put my phone away. I went home alone, washed my face, picked up my little dog, locked the doors and tucked myself in.

Am I always abandoned? Or do I set myself up? These are my topics of thought until I figure it out.

Until then, sending you all bubbles of love. Because you all deserve it … might as well get it from me.

Chakras and alcohol

I just ate my feelings

Lol literally can’t breathe right now and its making be laugh. Its cold here in Louisiana … well cold for Louisiana anyway. Especially because yesterday we almost hit 80 and today its 59. Chilly summer bunnies. So my favorite diner about a block away from my office had all the winter time favs on their menu. Like the crawfish etouffe I just stuffed myself with.

And cornbread muffins.

With black eye peas.

But I digress, as much as I long to leave and travel. Where else can I walk two blocks from my office and eat that kind of food? That’s also my inner fat kid throwing a fit.

On the flip side of my happy belly is my VERY unhappy vagina. Unf I hate that word. Vagina. Anyway, I’ve been without a legitimate sex partner for some time now. It makes me a bit depressed. Makes me crave nothing, even my imagination has run dry. I don’t even think sexy thoughts.

Part of my relationship with long-distance-fierce-guy is that I play with no orgasm for one hour a day. For months I loved it, the tension, my desire. And now, I dread literally could cry imagining touching myself for an hour. Because I’m fucking tired of doing it.

I also don’t want some random one night stand. I’m lacking intimacy in my life. A person who concerns themselves with tending to me. A person who, even if pretending, loves me for a while. Something else bizarre happened, a good friend of mine that I’ve known since grade school texted me late last night. Things went to sex as they always do, but when he said MY name during our sexy texts …. it made me cry.

There was no Andi, slut, slave, cumdump, whore, fuck slut, dirty.girl, baby… my literal birth name. Shook me right the fuck up.

I just ate my feelings

Drums, web cam, fucking ex’s

My original blog was much like this one. Same girl, same stories.

Today I got messages from my ex lovers secret-from-me wife.

Her best friend also came into my business for a massage.

…….

And I haven’t been sleeping. What does that make me?

Emotional. It makes me bloody emotional.

I’m also deadly horny. Soaked sheets and an aching cunt later. I’m still craving.

So random.

I was invited to a drum circle. I’m no good on the drums, or shakers apparently. But a microphone, tambourines and dancing, I’m all over that. So the whole time we are playing, my eyes are closed and I’m swaying and beating my little drum. It sounds like crap lol I know it does. But I’m rocking out any way, trying to stay in beat.

Its been an interesting damn week

Drums, web cam, fucking ex’s

Almost

I was .  . That close to falling asleep, but remembered I made a promise to someone about a story.

She felt like something was bursting within her. Anger, fear, desire. His chuckle reverberated through her chest as she fought against him.

He held her firmly, feeling the surprising strength in her body. She had promised a fight and boy was she ever giving it.

A group of men watched from afar, binoculars in hand, cool air circling their feet. She was feisty! Bets were being placed, large wads of cash thrown on a table. Was she really going to escape the Hunter?

They had promised! If she could evade him for three hours she had won her freedom and six hundred dollars. If she were caught well, the slick grins on their faces did not ease any fears. She would not be caught.

The Hunter held on tightly while she beat against him. She would tire soon, they always did. Ah, see she relaxed in his arms. He had expected more fight!

She hung limply, her hair covering most of her face. His arms began to loosen, she took a deep breath and sighed.

“A thousand she’ll make a break for it.”

Her feet touched the ground for just a moment. He had never anticipated her knee in his groin. Quickly she ran, as if a thousand demons chased her.

The Hunter coughed and groaned, well lesson learned. He followed easily enough, her wild path, even more wild hair, the scent of her arousal. This witch would pay for that jab.

Almost