Yesterday was a great day, filled with happy people that spiced up my happy minutes. It was a day off for me, mostly because I reached into soapy dishwater and closed my hand around a butcher knife. I can’t work with a cut like that on my hand. Any way, the cut happened, but I washed all my sheets and comforters, let them dry in the warm sunshine. Had lunch with my family.
Then later as I was painting my chakra colors onto a giant canvas I get a text. “Want to go out on the town?” Its so rare that I do out, I said yes. While getting ready things started to happen. My body began responding to my touch, I started to feel more than content and happy. I was excited. Excited to feel pretty and flirt. Excited to watch the interactions between people.
About two hours in I see this handsome familiar face walking towards the bathroom. A while later he exits and spots me, pleasent surprise washes over him. He smiles and licks his bottom lip. “Hi” he mouths over the roar of music and laughter. We stare for a moment, my group of friends totally absent to what’s going on. He walks over and his hand slides into my waist, around my back. Neatly covering the distance from side to side. Without any effort pulls me into his body. His cheek against the top of my head. His scent filling my senses.
The heat of our bodies against one another brings me back to our last time together. It brings me back to his bed, his lips against my neck. His hands roaming the landscape of my body. My desire pumping through me. The hug has already extended into making people around us uncomfortable. People playing pool reaching up to tap on his shoulder asking us to move. We pull away but his hand stays warm on my hip. Drawing a line to my belly button then leaving my body. He laughs looking down at me. “Its her birthday tonight.” And I know, who “her” is and I know “her” is here.
I back away slowly and sit down. We chat about nothing and then I shoo him off. For the next hour a group of five women skewer me. Roast me over the open fires of curiosity and support for their friend. I feel branded, I feel sorry that he keeps looking at me, I feel like I want to rip his clothes off and melt his bones, I feel lonely again. I feel like my fears are true.
Later I get a text “So sorry I couldn’t say bye, I probably would have gotten punched square in the balls” I smiled and put my phone away. I went home alone, washed my face, picked up my little dog, locked the doors and tucked myself in.
Am I always abandoned? Or do I set myself up? These are my topics of thought until I figure it out.
Until then, sending you all bubbles of love. Because you all deserve it … might as well get it from me.