It started with lots of energy and as I pulled out of my hometown and turned onto the interstate I dissolved into tears.
Two hours away from my family, my friends, the only town I’ve known as an adult.
My back is spasming right this very minute. Luckily I had a moving van, and my own two hands. Making more than one trip would have been a disaster. My mom helped me as much as she could.
I’m still mourning.
The end of one phase of my life: a relationship, a friendship, the two year anniversary of my dads death. The swift determination that youthful foolishness can no longer be a part of my existence.
I am hopeful though.
Looking forward to this next amazing chapter.
So for now I’m just keeping my head up high and moving forward.
I had this wild fantasy for a minute that this was all a cruel joke. That you and my loved ones had gotten together in this elaborate scheme to throw me off. That your vicious words were only a ruse to lead me astray.
Reality isn’t that though, is it? Because you let me go, before it got too serious. You caught your head and determined I was unworthy. That I need space to work through the “obsessive, overwhelming, light speed” partnership I created.
This is my letter to you, that I’m sure you’ll never read.
You never fell in love, so I can’t say this product is from you falling out of it. But you told me you did, didn’t you?
You told me I was amazing, everything you’ve ever wanted, the girl you dreamt of, your soul mate. Interesting that I’m the one with the problem.
I’m mostly writing this because after three days of calm. Even after I found the profile you created on a dating website hours after we broke. I’m angry.
Angry enough to call you these nasty words slithering on my tongue.
It’s just ….
You’ve already taken so much of my energy. And writing this is the last of my process, this is me letting you go completely.
At the end of a relationship, for me anyway, there is always that one moment that shows me it’s time to let go. It’s time to stop being heartbroken. It’s time to move the fuck on. Luckily this particular moment happened quickly.
By no means am I over it, I also know when I see him out places it will carve my heart. Especially the first time I see him looking at someone else the way he looked at me. Even though his feelings were not genuine, it felt so real to me.
And that makes me sad.
But, not so sad I can’t see the awesome things in my life right now. I start my shiny new job on the third, I move into my sweet little house on the 31, Ill live in a brand new city with brand new friends. I work for an incredible woman who has no problems telling me that she finds me talented.
Tonight is my going away party. I finally get to attend my graduation ceremony for my massage training. My best friends birthday is right around the corner. I adore myself and who I’ve become. I am excited about the future. I am hopeful for countless things. I am living without expectation.
I am sending you joy and love. Heavy on the love.
There are times I wonder, if my ex partner hurts as much as i do at the end of a relationship.
If they have moments of tremendous pain, knocking on the walls of their chest.
Demanding beating. So hard, you’re sure someone could see the push from outside.
Do you remain in bed in the morning, curled up with pillows that still smell like me?
Seeing in your mind, the small stack of folded clothes in the corner that don’t belong to you.
Do your friends tell you the things mine tell me?
(That I’m a catch. That its his loss. That I’m not crazy for being upset.)
That loving someone is never a mistake.
I wonder if you overfill yourself: food, alcohol, television, sex.
Or under fill, by refusing to go near those things again.
I wonder not so much about you in particular. But all of my past. A collective of men and women who I’ve done wrong. Who have shaken my faith in long term love.
I wonder if you find yourself, in quiet moments during your day, out of breath with heart ache.
Because you miss me.
“I’m obsessed with your tits”
“I need massages and tits in my face”
Keep going buddy you’re winning me over.
Make sure to get in line with everyone else who likes my tits and loves me until something better comes along.
I need something to fill my mind
To take my thoughts away from the unbearable burden of my heart
The utter weightless devastation of millions of bricks being assembled
Of walls being rectified
Do I wait?
Do I have a choice?
It’s impossible to be mad at a face I’ve waited lifetimes to kiss
For lips I’ve sold my soul to taste
My sleep was stolen just by thoughts of you
I guess it is me.
I’m so used to this now it doesn’t even hurt that much. (Rolling of the eyes)
It’s got to be me, right?
Well, I’m moving in a week. To a city that I hope I’ll like. With an amazing job opportunity, at a place I feel called to work. Only difference, I’m single again.