I’ve struggled with my submissive self for almost a year now. I haven’t desired to submit but a handful of times. Then over committed myself with someone, that only threw me back. It’s been a struggle to get back to stable ground. But, here I am.
Occasionally on fetlife, I’d been asked to give definition of hedonist. Mainly by men who are just looking for a fuck buddy. I’m so much more than a fuck buddy, honestly I won’t be one. Because like everything else in my life, I over invest. So even just fucking is out of the question, funny thing, when I let you inside of my body. I’m sharing my sacredness with you and I’m taking yours in. Makes sense to me.
Anyway, this comes down to me expressing myself honestly. There has always been this very primal side I have to tuck away. I’ve had to temper it, disguise it, pretend it’s not there. Partners already find my affection overwhelming. So, it’s always given me a fair amount if trepidation to really open up and let someone in.
But, there was this moment ages ago, one moment where I got close to opening up. He is a sensation junkie, any touch sends him into overdrive. My teeth slow bit into his trap, he stiffened under me. My chest pressing into his back. As my teeth moved further into his muscle I brought him down ever so gently.
He brought his face to my mattress and lay there. A perfect act of submission. I kept my teeth in place as my hand slid between his legs. His balls fit beautifully into my palm, while he attempted to regulate his breathing. I bit harder. Amping him up. Exciting me. Letting go of that spasming muscle must have been like ripping clamps off.
Quickly and in random order the rest of his back called to me. Adding suction or testing his newly bitten skin with my tongue had me in overdrive. It felt heated, sensual, sexual. So primal. I would gasp and moan when he did. I was absolutely feeding off of his energy. I HAD to walk away. I was terrified he had begun to judge me. Slightly horrified at myself for being so excited my mouth was watering.
I felt guilty.
Guilty that I’m too much.
Guilty that I may have to always hide myself.