In the beginning, I tried resisting thoughts of you.
Only to find you turning into the cupcake on a dieters kitchen table.
Now memories come slowly, envelope me from behind.
The faintest whisper of days gone by, incense smoke of longing curling around my heart.
Your hands on my belly, lips in the curve of my neck.
If I breathe deeply enough the scent of you still lingers in the maze of my desire.
Twenty-eight years ago today, my mom woke up at two am on her birthday with contractions. My dad who loved her and was, I am told, a very doting husband at this point. Loaded her and baby baby me into the car. Twenty hours and countless bumpy roads, a very hungry momma finally gave the world … Me.
Her favorite birthday present.
I’m no where near the place i imagined I’d be. I fear I’m half of who I should be. But every now and again, looking in the mirror I see the woman I want to be.
So if you have a little extra energy, send it to my mom. Because it’s her birthday too and I think for the last 28 years she’s only remembered mine.
You were wondering!!!! *sings as she twirls in circles!*
Oh last night I was a pissy witch. So many things crumbling into my ocean of calm. Very few of those things within my control.
Yesterday I wrote up this long bit on being in a poly situation. I intended to put it on fetlife and then changed my mind. There is something telling me I should keep my opinion to myself in that forum. So I am.
I’ve forgotten, dear friends, about taking care of myself. Forgotten to spoil, tend to, love who I am. My body has been neglected. All of the things that remind me I am a woman. Well they have been put on the back burner. I love living in this body. I love what it can do for me.
Technically I’ve been not making me a priority. I think that was part of my frustration last night. I was feeling ignored and just realized, I’VE been doing it.
So today I’ll do a few things that I’ve been letting fall to the wayside. Like taking care of this adorable house I live in. The yard is a mess and the high here today will be 79 degrees! Sweet goddess yes!
I have a scene set up for tonight at my kinky hideaway. I have gifts that a wonderful friend of mine is bringing me. I’m looking forward to experiencing today. Sending you copious amounts of adoration.
I’m angry this evening. For so many reasons.
I’m angry at my mom: for giving up, for laying down, for not fucking fighting.
I’m angry that in 6 days I’ll be an entire year older. Isn’t that ridiculous? Angry because I survived another year. Angry because I’ve achieved a fraction of my plans.
Fucking frustrated that I have incredible men in my life. I care about them, I’m fond of them, they would love to be more than what they are and I just CANT. Like that part of my heart just won’t start itself up. It’s a corpse.
I feel like a corpse.
Got the first part of my Halloween costume in!
After making the decision to close my business in August, I’ve been battling with some confidence hoo blah. (Then my relationship ended, then I moved away from my family and friends.) epiphany
Any who, my boss has experienced some tragedy. She is packing up and moving on. Putting her house up for sale and hoping to not have it by January. I was expecting to hide in this job for at least a year. Lick my wounds, heal my heart hurt. She wants me to buy the business. All of it. She intends to just hand over the key.
I have a suspicion she hired me in hopes I would.
A small inkling that when I called she felt like I was the one.
Now I’m having to decide if this is my best option. Again. Maybe I could get it right this time.