A certain distance

Things have been beautiful and busy around here. I feel like I’m at a fancy ball and keep getting pulled onto the dance floor for another dizzying spin. Everybody wants their turn. Romancing me, flirting with me, seeing the possibilities of their expectations in my eyes. I feel like a prize.

And I love it.

Every once and a while the music quiets and everyone walks back to their spot. To their partner. To their lives. I feel like I’m spinning alone. Shivering at the sudden loss of heat around me.

I never know what to do in these moments.

I know that it can’t always be a beautiful dance and I know that my down cycles are always prompted by these lonely feelings. I am the happy free spirit all of these people love to swirl around. I’m not looking for someone to sweep me away and keep me locked up.

I think today I just want a cup of hot chocolate and a lovely person to tangle my limbs with.

A warm arm wrapped around my waist pulling me closer.

Someone to push away the tears that have been threatening me for three days.

It frustrates me, that all the work I’ve done on myself, still doesn’t take away the desire for someone else.

Advertisements
A certain distance

November

I’ve been thinking over the history of this blog and the one before it. Thinking about the journey I’ve been on, the trials I’ve faced, the good things I’ve danced through. Since moving *my* life has gotten significantly better.

But, it keeps floating there, like a small boat in the ocean. “I’m not ready for my mom to die. Really. I’m 28, dad is already gone. It’s not like he was anything close to even a caring parent, but he was mine. He will never know my happiness and apparently she wont either.” I spoke to her yesterday and because of the remarkably difficult years she’s lived she is detached and angry and hurtful. She’s also hurting, which I’m trying to remember. I’m working on remembering that aside from being my mother, she is also an adult woman. With an awareness totally separate from us as a family. I’m trying to remember.

She has to sell the house before it’s foreclosed on. She has to find an apartment to live in with my sister and nephew.

And then

I hang up the phone and I’m still sobbing in the driveway. My heart is beating ..thud *space* thud *space* thud .. I swear I hear it cracking as I bleed out slowly there in my truck. I cry every tear I thought I had, I wanted her to tell me she was working on getting better. I wanted her to say that after a lifetime of crazy she was finally going to be her authentic self. I wanted her to tell me she loved me. Damn it. She loves me enough that she is going to get better. That what I’m going to achieve is worth sticking around for. That I count.

*******************************

I run into my house, wash my face, brush my teeth. Immerse myself back into my life. It’s freezing here, ok not 30 degrees like some of you lovelies but hovering between 48-80 lol. Because, that’s Louisiana. Then drive over to see a friend of mine, W I’m calling him.

He’s the first man I’ve felt stir up my submissive side in a few months. It’s beautiful and exciting and I’ve asked him not to destroy me.

Then last night I had dinner with DM and his son. Who I’m absolutely crazy about, both of them actually. In very different ways obviously. They are beautiful listeners and while I spilled my beans about everything written up there. I watched dark eyes of DM’s son fill with compassion. I watched him process his pain for me. Pain he has never had to experience in his young life. For a moment I felt guilty that I was giving him this experience. But then, he made me laugh and the three of us laughed together. It was a river that carried my worries away.

I’m also moving into my first apartment alone. Big girl style and I don’t have furniture, but I do have mad decorating skills.

I’m also getting a cat to join my little family. Every witch needs her cat familiar right? So she’s coming to me from Tennessee, a little black long haired beauty.

Let’s see how my adorable Pomeranian will handle that one. 🙂

On the whole things are good, I’m dating. A lot! I’m working. So much. Sometimes I’m tired and cranky, other times I cry in my driveway, even better I’m so happy I dance. This cycle is good and the transition hurts a little. But, I finally feel like I have the space I need to let down some walls.

November

It’s this night

Nights like this cool November night

Waiting for warm arms that will never embrace me

It doesn’t matter if I come first or second or never

Even I have abandoned myself

My heart has too many cracks to guild

Too many seams that are raveling

Too many.

I am that much.

Again I sleep alone, after a busy day of production

My body hurts and I’m working so …

Hard

At just maintaining, at growing, loving who I am

It’s this night