December 31 always brings self reflection, for everyone? Maybe so.

If you’ve read the blog then you know the journey. All the ups and downs, if you’re new and have time or interest I invite you to stay a while here in my thoughts.

I have nothing wise to say, I feel like there has not been much learned this year. Only ideas and plans coming into sharper focus. I do feel that the holidays are a true test for personal views.

Are you really happy?

Was that the right choice?

A hundred other things and my answer is always, at the moment yes.

Anyway, my wish for you, even for the ones who don’t read these words.

I wish you well. I wish you joy in every form, even if it is a small smile when the sun finds you. I wish you just enough sadness to keep all in focus. I hope 2014 is your best year yet and you are nourished on every level.

Most of all I’m sending you love. Because you need it and you might as well get it from me.




They came over me, the ghosts of my past. Flooded through my heart the minute I drove into town. I walked into the first house I ever felt like was home and felt his hands close over my heart.

My body curled into the couch where he kissed me with a passion that scorched my soul. I showered, velvety suds rinsing down the curves of my body. Like all of the promises he made me over the course of our relationship. I lay in the bedroom five steps away from the walls that contained our affair.

The next day my heart only had a small tear. Something I could ignore. Something I did ignore.

Laughing with a friend in the car, watching beautiful cotton clouds in the sky. We pass a house, one that reminds me. Someone else is nearby. And suddenly I remember the texture of his hair in my fingers. The ice blue of his eyes drinking me as I writhed underneath him. I remembered what it felt like swimming in him. I remembered every false word that took root in my heart. Growing there, a barren tree of promises.

A lightening struck forest.

Here in my chest.

There are moments that it feels like I’m breathing in ice. Cold burn searing my lungs.

Tonight it doesn’t matter how many blankets I pile on this bed. It’s freezing next to me.


December moments

It seems that my shelf life is rather short. I can go through months and months of flirting but, after 4-6 of more intimate contact, the chase is up. They have already had their fill. I must be like rice and potatoes.

Or maybe I’m really aggravating.

Further introspection leads me to realize, I’m decidedly feminine in nature. I moved into my own place recently and have slowly been collecting bits of furniture and decoration. It’s a lovely blend of all things that scream “woman”.

Tucker and I are quite enjoying our new space, though there seem to be more days than paycheck. Moving is so expensive! Deposits here and there and all the whatnot. But that’s a minor worry at this point. I’ve not been quite so at peace about coming home.

Currently the little fluff is running around looking for more dog treats. Since he is always hiding them from himself, it’s a perpetual egg hunt for both of us.

I’ve got loads of professional stuff going on, I’m now a main referral source for two major hospitals. It’s all dealing with infants and conditions they have at birth. I’m very happy about being able to help these munchkins. It appeases the part of my heart that still mourns for children I may never have.

I’ve been lost in this walking dream, about an encounter I had with someone recently. I could tell he was worried, anxiety and stress pushing beyond his skin. His handsome face lined with it. Once a week he comes to me and we share a few hours. His strong body more than an equal match for mine. But, this day in particular he was hungry, primal. Seeking an outlet.

It was the first time I had provided playful resistance. It ignited the animal he so carefully keeps in check. There were no cradling hugs or tender kisses as he pulled orgasm after orgasm from me. His tongue blazed hot trails across me, so demanding. When I was able to finally slide him into me, the heavy girth pleasantly stretching me, it wasn’t long after that I was yet again clinging to him.

The next half hour was a blur. Sensation is all I can remember. Overwhelming and wonderful.

Neither one of us had kept track of time, so we rushed to put our clothes on. In this I felt loss. The rush of parting. But! The encounter was so, satisfying. So completely wonderful.

It’s something I’ll hold onto for a while.

December moments


It beats through me

A steady





Ancient and rhythmic

Wild and hardly controlled

My mouth waters

I want you.

I want the untamed taste of your tongue in my mouth.

I want to tighten and twist my body around the


Part of you thrusting into me.

Feeling my


Wrapped around you.