Musings

Just exploring something that I’ve been experiencing.

Since first learning about the sultry pulse of BDSM, I have 98% of the time, considered myself submissive. I would service top occasionally, I’m bloody good at it. But, that does nothing for me. I went through a wild ride of “dominants” letting them do all sorts of things to me. Some of them very very dangerous, none of them were enough.

Oh they gave me bruises and cut me open, excited me and devastated me. They never loved me though, that part was never enough. I desperately missed that. As I think back on all of it, remember myself saying (as I am now) that I’m so finished with all of this. A small light shines on a hidden box within me. The box that still holds out hope that I’ll come back to this. Come back to being in a relationship that will provide for me on all levels.

I’ve recently started talking to a beautiful man, with two beautiful children. He is: not poly, not kinky, not dominant. He has asked on multiple occasions, “what are your kinks?”. Aside from the fact that this question drives me crazy, I don’t even want to open the door. Just the small bit I’ve shared has let him declare that I’m a “certified freak”. I’ve also noticed that it has to be sex talk all the time or he becomes confused.

All of my posts seem to travel in circles. I read other blogs where the kink seems to fall out of relationships. Ones even that started on D/s terms, BECAUSE of D/s. That are now mostly vanilla. I guess the problem is, I don’t know where to go from here. What is the next step? Because clearly vanilla is not for me. I want my sexy swing back, but I can’t “play” with just anyone. Sex alone is hard for me right now. I feel like people will read this and say, just give it time. Well I have. Time is apparently not the currency I need to give.

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Musings

Posted on tumblr

Wanted to also make a note here.

The question was posed to me recently. I thought for two days, has my heart changed?

I want someone who loves my sexuality as much as my laugh. Who will pull me into their lap and over their knee. Someone who can just a readily handle the fact that I love glitter as much as I love learning something new and powerful. That there are very few things I dont know in regards to healing you with herbs or essential oils. My hands will heal you, just like my love will. Someone who takes advantage of the wanton woman in me but not the child. A person who will crawl into a fort made of blankets and pillows with that child. In the same token compliments my Cuban heeled stockings and garters when Im ready to be your concubine. Get used to the fact that I will always be a princess who can run through a muddy field. I have a mothers heart: soft, loving, encompassing, wildly fierce. While this life has not been kind to me or my body. I will love you, I can love you. I want a person who can love that. Who can make up stories and listen to rock music. Who can make me number one, because I often forget to do it.

And a photo for good measure

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Posted on tumblr

#18 and 19 and life sized condoms

A very good friend of mine, I’ll call MC, brought me to a museum and art class on the 20. This was a big deal for me because, I haven’t put brush to canvas in a very long time. It was at one point my focus, career. I loved painting. My divorce sullied it and I’d distanced myself greatly. So I put it on my list for a reason, I wanted to force myself to do it again.

It was a little emotional, a lot emotional, and hard to stay in a social atmosphere. Painting for me is usually very intimate. Music and no clothes, that sort of thing. But, it made me think of my mom and how much she would have loved to be there. Then I started to think of all the things happening in my life that feel like a fucking mess.

But

It helped me fall in love with paint again. For that I am eternally grateful.

The museum was located in the same building, with wildly different exhibits. But interesting all the same. I got a few snapshots of something I knew my nephew would love. And I’ll update with a photo of the painting later.

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So, I’ve been single for a while now. I am saying single as in, I haven’t been in a promising relationship since the end of 2012. I was collared and I loved that relationship. I think a part of me is still reeling from my moms death and desperately hoping to cling to some form of a loving relationship. Some thing.

I have beautiful friendships and I love the relationship I have with myself. My skin is aching to be touched. I want to be loved. I want a place to put all of this love. It just feels cold and because my defenses are down, because I am so lonely. Every little thing feels like a betrayal. I hate when I get this way.

#18 and 19 and life sized condoms

2, 15, 37

Orgasm while clothed

Admit something private

Proper Spanking

Not sure I want to go into details. But they are done.

I think on the whole I’ve been handling my moms death fairly well. No major break downs, I’ve kept myself very aware of where I am in the grieving process so as to avoid making a terrible move somewhere. Anger, rage, remorse, denial, blame: all in check.

Tonight I’m tired but I can’t sleep and I’m sorely disappointed in myself.

2, 15, 37

Spinning

Words whispered
Reaching deep down
Within myself
To remember that I’m safe

Holding
Onto
You

Feeling like I’ve been

cracked open

But it’s my bed, these are my sheets
And it’s my head that I have to crawl out of.

A symphony of sensations.
As my body reaches its peak yet again
Over you and under you.
With no heavy chains or attachments.

And just when I’ve gotten so high that I’ve forgotten to breathe.
You call me back down.

Spinning

Failed this week or so I thought

I don’t have anything to check off. I thought i had put listen to a new band on there. Must have missed that one. A woman I met over New Years invited me to listen to a band called Bone Rama and Soul Rebels. While both were amazing, there is just something about a group of men from New Orleans just doing what they love.

Tried to upload a video for you but it failed. 😦

Anyway, they are amazing. And I’m tired.

I feel like the world is sitting on my chest. It makes me sad and not look forward to experiencing tomorrow.

Addition*

It seems I do get to check off number 25 on my list! Gooooo me

Failed this week or so I thought

Laundry makes me sad

I don’t have washer/dryer hook ups in my apartment, so I have to use the little “laundromat” in my complex. It’s bloody expensive.

I’m also here to discuss number 14 on my list. Because I have and did kiss someone I’m crazy about. So I’m marking it off, he walked me to my car after many hours of flirting. Once depositing me there his familiar lips found mine. It was a good kiss. They all are.

Laundry makes me sad