20 years ago: I was exposed to sexual things far to early. I don’t remember who or why, it comes in terrifying flashes of memory.
16 years ago when I didn’t get a call back from any modeling agency, it was my fault because: I didn’t stand up straight enough, my ass wasn’t firm enough, my hair was parted the wrong way, the light was missing in my eyes, I wasn’t thin enough for regular agencies and I was too thin for plus size.
10 years ago when my jaw was broken, my mom told me it was my fault. Because: I always said he would hit me, I provoked him, I should have stayed out of his way, “don’t ruin my family”, “you know how he is when he drinks”.
4 years ago when my marriage ended I was told: why didn’t you try harder, marriage is a two way street you gave up somewhere along the way, if you hadn’t gained weight maybe he would have been willing to give you a baby, you wouldn’t need fertility medication if only you believed in Jesus and went to church. I was homeless, disowned, carless, penniless.
3 years ago I told myself, I would have never been raped: if I didn’t drink, no one would believe me because of my lifestyle choices, there is no point in reporting it, I put myself in that dangerous situation.
2 years ago: I was duped, used, manipulated by a married man.
1 year ago I sold parts of my soul for money. I started a business and failed miserably. I fell in love with a con artist. I moved to a new city hoping for a fresh start.
6 weeks ago: I lost one of my best friends. She abandoned me countless times, blamed me for other people failing always. But, somewhere in there she gave me a key to surviving.
Tonight: I can’t sleep. Some times I swear I still hear the sound of heavy boots in the doorway. Keys slamming on the counter and whiskey at my neck. Other nights the bed is crowded with the memory of every person I tried to find myself in. I sleep on the floor. I’m disappointed and terrified of the future. I keep investing in people who don’t invest in me.
I’m trying to remember any worth. Trying to remember my value.
Trying to remember people are tired of hearing me complain.