Just in case I die week

So I’m doing that this week. Spending time with people I love, just in case I die on my way to or in Austria. I’m calling it … well, “just in case I die week”. Easy enough to remember and everyone keeps telling me I’m silly and to stop saying it. But, you know we all die. Right.

It leads me though, to people who are too busy to see me. Or those who are saying they won’t spend a few hours with me because I’ll be back on the 5. It makes me a little sad, knowing that maybe I won’t have the chance to see them and touch their hand for just a moment. Because, what if something happens to them while I’m gone? What if I come back because everyone has developed a very contagious disease that makes your hair fall out and you go blind.  Or I CANT because everyone is a zombie? But I have to try anyway because my dogs are here and there is a chance I could save them. But I show up and all of those people who didn’t make time for me to say I love you are zombying against my door because they think they want my brains but really just wanted to say “A I love you and I’m sorry I missed saying it before you went on your trip and I don’t really mean it but yours brains smell awesome right now.”

What if that happens?

What if I’m just being hormonal and I’m feeling neglected. Even though I shouldn’t, but I can’t sleep and I’m a little sad that I feel like I keep giving too much to people who could care less. Like always.

Anxiety. Right?

I’m also imaging that we are reincarnated, because I like the idea. That we get another chance. So even if I am, for some reason right and all of these “just in case” moments I’m making are going to be my last moments, there’s another chance. Another chance for me to make myself number one, because I keep forgetting that I need too.

Just in case I die week

The List Updated

1 Rope orgasm 2/2/2014
2 Clothed orgasm2/16/2014
3 Buy a dslr3/20/14
4 Acquire passport 6/18/14
5 Use passport 6/28/14
6 Take a cruise
7 Drive to New Orleans3/23/14
8 Be a total tourist in a new place 5/4/14
9 Get a massage and a facial 6/20/14
10 Actively submit
11 Fall in love
12 Dance
13 Sing
14 Kiss someone you’re crazy about 2/1/2014
15 Tell them an intimate secret2/9/2014
16 Watch one new movie a month (5/11)
17 Read one new book a month (11/11) jumped the gun on this one 🙂
18 Find a museum and go2/20/2014
19 Paint something2/20/2015
20 Create something with someone you care about months ago
21 Cook a new dish (11)
22 Write letters to those you love (Ashley, Cason, Hannah) give it to them
23 Max out on orgasms
24 Go for a boat ride5/4/14
25 Listen to a new band2/9/2014
26 Actively love yourself
27 Buy a new dress 3/12/14
28 Take LOTS of photos
29 Stay at a fancy hotel 6/4/14
30 Have a house party
31 Stay in bed all day with someone you adore
32 Make floor cushions
33 Buy and use “art is love” canvas
34 Get a tattoo 2/1/2014
35 Get family photos taken
36 Take a photo of each partner you have this year
37 Get a proper spanking2/16/2014
38 Flirt
39 Orgasm from just breast play 4/6/14
40 Experience anal
41 Swim in a lake
42 Kiss in the rain
43 Complete this list!
44 Help a stranger as often as possible
45 Build an herb garden 3/4/14
46 Try a brand new event (BED April)6/4/14
47 Bake for your neighbor
48 Float in a swimming pool5/4/14

Had a request for the updated list. The post correlating to each marked off item can be found under the “getting a life” tag. Thank you for everyone’s incredible support!


The List Updated

Almost half

Almost half of my list is complete! For the first time ever I’m getting the easy things accomplished first lol. I’m also not even touching on the huge things I’m doing outside of the list. But here’s to the things I have done.

4 Acquire passport. I leave for Austria on the 28, I’ll be there a week. Here’s to safe travels.

9 Get a massage and a facial. Friday I treated myself. The “facial” part is what was difficult for me. I hated it, but I made myself do it. My skin feels so lovely and soft!

39 Orgasm from just breast play. This happened quite some time ago.

44 Help a stranger. I do this as often as possible. So that in turn, if someone I love is one day in need there may be someone kind near them. Help someone today, even if it’s just holding the door open.

Sending you love dear reader,

Almost half

Scenes at the club

I haven’t bottomed in a scene in a long time. Not years, but long enough to make me feel like I’d never done it. I had always felt like a little bit of intimacy was lost by bottoming in public. Last night was not the case at all.

Intimacy and sensuality are my favorite parts about being lovers with anyone. Even when they are hurting me. Especially when they are hurting me, because so much is there. Not that my load has been heavier than anyone elses. But it has been a load.

So last night I let someone in a little more. The seductive draw of pain, we met a little like old lovers. In just small place one yet the same as every other place on my back and legs. The sting, burn and pull of those cups on me. Centering me and then sending me off. Letting me feel without risking the crash. His hands rubbed and pulled. Small whispers of things I never knew in my ear. Feeling the beast in him rumbling slightly from our light exchange. Goading him with a roll of hips, the slow parting of my legs. A slow moan sliding past my lips. Drawing him closer, closer to repeat and listen.  Closer to his canvas.

He stirred parts of me long sleeping. He coaxed from me the woman I don’t have time to entertain. He made time for all of us. Protecting me from the outside with his body. While pulling out from within me a primal side of myself.



Thank you.

Scenes at the club


I’m in the grocery store yesterday on the phone with my best friend, we are talking about dates and how neither one of us has been on promising ones. So we revert to joking how one of us should grow a cock. I was being too loud. The most delectable girl in Trader Joes approaches me and says, “I get the sneaking feeling you aren’t totally hetero.” As if seeing her in a new light I smile, “Not im not totally hetero.” She beams, “Well would you like to go on a date?” Oh nervous little bumblebee.

I could just eat you up, suddenly I have the flash forward of revealing my kink to her and I despair. How could I take this bright and bubbly, far too young for me girl and twist her all up with my lifestyle? How can I introduce her to my lifetime poly mindset?

Maybe I won’t have these questions if/when I meet someone that I’m very drawn too. But in the mean time it’s a bit perplexing.


Oral sex and the aversion

Ill never forget the moment, after watching countless hours of porn and looking at every magazine I could get my hands on, it was going to happen. My boyfriend was going to go down on me. I lay there breathless, waiting for the fireworks waiting for my face to twist into some mask of orgasmic bliss. 


There was nothing, not a thing, I held his head against me and urged him to stay in the one spot that gave me a little bit of pleasure. I wanted more, it had to be more. This couldn’t be it, right? This SO wasn’t like sex, i love sex, I adore everything to do with it. As disappointment settled over me the realization crashed in for him. He comes up for air, face dry, needing a glass of water. Not only am I not excited, I’m completely turned off. Done, don’t touch me. His long body lays down next to mine, “It tastes like sour milk”. Whha? I stutter, I have on many occasion cleaned my own fingers off and never once likened it to curdled dairy product. I have cleaned myself off of him and never thought that cottage cheese was in order. As I curl up into myself and imagine the horrors between my legs sobs wrack my body. Something must be wrong with me.

Fast forward three years and now my once pink and lush labia is riddled with scars. Thoughtless acts by a careless man have ruined my “Vagina identity” i don’t even want to be touched. I have to be altered in some way to enjoy an act I once craved. My intimacy begins to drain away, one lover refused even to fully enter me because he was positive I had an STD. Follow these spiritually damaging acts with a rape and you have .. what? A woman who has serious issues with her vagina. 

Today I still watch these women writhe on their lovers faces. I still feel disconnected. I still feel like something is missing, a partner I have now who at no point entertained my ideas of distraction techniques. A beautiful man who every time we meet takes the plunge. My lover, who has never once told me I tasted awful, who brings me to the edge every single time. He has opened me to the simple act of just receiving. Of almost convincing me that I’m good enough on my own. That i don’t need to blow him away with my sexual prowess, that i only need to lay back and let him devour me. 


Oral sex and the aversion

29, 45, 46

I was given an award for outstanding alumni. Had to go down to New Orleans and give a speech (which I sobbed through and then realized everyone else was crying right along with me) I’ll post it here for you to read. Along with some photos. Anyway, we stayed at the Windsor in New Orleans and I mean …   really?! So fancy.



We also went to the aquarium and of course I became to attached to an animal.


But we wrapped it all up having fun, as usual.

I know I dont have a lot of time, and id like to apologize in advance if I get emotional. Ill try to properly give due to how your school has been integral in changing my life. Three short years ago, after seven years of marriage my husband and I decided that we were completely different people and opted to quit putting on happy faces for the crowd. We ended our marriage and with it came epic amounts of loss and strenuous rebirth. I spent a few weeks feeling wholly homeless, sleeping on couches and bartering my room for chores around friends homes. My father passed away after a very slow, expensive, spiritually damaging health decline, not assisted by his addictions. My younger sister who has and will always be the light of my life brought into our world the most beautiful ray of sunshine I have ever had the honor of meeting. Shortly after my father left this stage of existence my mother was rediagnosed with breast cancer. It was metastatic, there was no treatment. There would be no “get better” options. She was not going to be with us very long. While all of this was throwing my world upside down, my sister and I decided it was time for school! She had a six month old beautiful baby boy, we had one car, I was working two jobs. I cant say we have ever been very good at timing. Before deciding to transfer to Unitech Training Academy, we started taking night classes at another technical college. Something was always missing from my educators there. That something we f!ound with you!

Your job as instructors is so important. Without realizing you transformed me, you helped change my life. Your walls gave me a home, and a way to build my own after I’d left you. By dedicating your time and energy with me you gave me the tools I needed to be where I am now. January 22 of this year after two years of heart breaking struggle my mom lost her battle with breast cancer. She would have been so proud of me in this moment. So proud to see me 28, healthy, still single, independent, a business owner, I’m being rewarded here sharing my story with you, I’ve been highlighted and then featured in Natural Awakenings magazine. Because of you I own my own thriving, financially lucrative business. Because of your job as instructors im building my own home, spiritually and physically. You have changed my direction, you have given me a future. One that i probably dont have the words for just yet. But am e!ternally grateful for none the less. !

At the end of this year i begin training in alternative and holistic medicine. Maybe next time you see me ill have a few more initials at the end of my name. With the ever constant support of friends like the one who is here with me today, I was able to take my first steps with you . Thank you.

I didn’t get to actually go to BED in April, but this event counts so I’m marking it off.

I’d built an herb garden and it started out promising.

Then the weather turned horrible and it was destroyed by hail. Plus my schedule is silly busy.

But I had fun putting it together. Anyway, I’ve been sick for two days now. It’s very difficult to get out of bed and doubly difficult to have an 8 year old, a cat and 5 dogs to tend to. Send me bubbles!

All my love

29, 45, 46