Not worth the risk

I’m not anyway. I’m not worth the risk of exposure. I’m a risk.

You aren’t worth the risk. I don’t date people like you. You are rude and irresponsible. 

Anyone else want to join in on the awesome compliments I’m receiving?

I’m not sure what karmic door I’ve opened but it really sucks.

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Not worth the risk

Conflicting emotions

For some reason the last few days have left me in a very quite spot. Friday was a birthday party for a friend of mine, it was at a club near where I live. Generally to go to the clubs on party days you have to go through a series of munches and then orentation. But because it was a private party I could bring an uninitiated guest with me. Naturally I chose Hannah.

I was thrilled to finally share a this part of my life with the person who has known me most of mine. I was also a bit anxious, (of judgement?) I don’t know. But she drove in and we got all dolled up then headed out. As is customary for me before going to the club I couldn’t stop talking. Subconsciously I registered that, I miss this part of it all. The excitement, the energy it gives me. I miss the promise that things will be wonderful. A few hours to be completely who I am around people being completely who they are. Finally, my best friend could see this part of me. See me with someone I care very much about in an environment 180° from our usual.

As we got closer I started getting nervous, it felt like someone was sitting inside of my chest. As if suddenly I no longer wanted this bit of me exposed. We talked about the blog, she was given access to this too recently. With all the dedication that is associated with our friendship, she read every single post. I was touched and terrified, what if she wouldn’t love me anymore? What if my ideas were to dark, my soul not worthy in some way? What if I hurt her feelings by some errant comment or badly constructed sentence? What would I do in the face of losing this woman in my life?

Naturally most of my anxiety was unwarranted. This beautiful woman who has seen me reborn in most every phase of my life. Who has been witness to the years I fill. She has always been right there next to me, ready to walk through whatever fog or forest I think necessary. She has been a soul mate I never thought I deserved. As she and I walked into this play space I tried to see through her eyes. I tried to let this all be brand new and something my best friend did while we weren’t together.

Of course, I ended up just watching her, as I always do. She was, surprised, moved, uncomfortable, interested. Each new reaction a succulent change from the last. As the night reached a new exploration high for her, I felt myself step back. Maybe to a slow running down of energy, maybe emotionally. I ran into sleepiness like it was a brick wall. Every ache in my body flaring up and roaring down my legs into my feet. We left shortly thereafter,  I fell asleep on the ride home. Dreaming vivid and bizarre scenes. Missing this constant in my life, desiring to have a portion of it back. Terrified of the new grounds for rejection.

Conflicting emotions

The brighter side

How can I fail when I have these incredible people fighting for me.

From Hannah:

I need you to read this and believe everything I say. Because what I am about to say is FACT. Not opinion. You are a beautiful, amazing, passionate, talented woman. You are loving and caring. My life, and so many other lives have been empty until you came along. There are many people in this world that are too stupid to realize that what a person looks like does not matter. Those people will be unhappy forever because they don’t deserve anything better than unhappiness. You deserve, and will get, a person that looks at you with so much love and care. I know it feels like you won’t, trust me I’m there, but they will come along. You are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. I hate that you are so down about yourself at this point in your life, because you are complete perfection. Everything about you is amazing. I need you to remember that. Remember that you are worthy of great love. That guy is a worthless piece of shit, and so is anyone in this world that can’t see your perfection. I love you more then words will ever be able to express. I’m sorry you are going through this but I really need you to promise me that you will do your best to not let what he told you change anything about you. There is nothing that needs to be changed. I love you so much. And all I want to do right now is kill him because he doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you. I know that sounds over dramatic, but that’s how I truly feel.

Ashley:

3 reasons to fall in love with you everyday.
1. You have the most amazing laugh. It let’s everyone around you feel your joy.
2. Watching you do or talk about something you love. I have never seen anything light up like your face does when you create.
3. You are the most hard working amazing beautiful person I know.

And my friend Mat who says:

I have a voice that could calm the wildest storm. Or stir up a fire in his loins depending on the subject.

(Que the true meaning of “friend” here as in, if that man were in the US and not the UK I wouldn’t leave the bedroom except to bathe and eat.)

The brighter side

Sweet Christ

Back in April I signed up with a matchmaking service. Awfully expensive, and insofar completely not worth it. I’ve been on 5 dates.

Date #1
Within 5 minutes told me he was committing insurance fraud. For a back injury he received while in a company vehicle. After our date we was going to buy a jet ski. It lasted 20 minutes and I left.

Date #2
Handsome, funny, very small town minded. Definitely a friendly match but nonromantic.

Date #3
Didn’t speak to me for 20 minutes while he hid behind his menu. Expected me to pick up the check. Only talked about his illegal street racing in his brand new sports car.

Date #4
Gave me the creeps. As in I did not/could not be alone with him. I’m still wondering if he was on drugs. His pupils were completely dilated and he talked about his dogs bowel movements the entire time.

Now the magical, Date #5
That I just calmed down from. I was running a bit late so I called the restaurant to let him know. As I’m walking in he looks at me and starts shifting around. Then he won’t meet my eyes or even look at me in general. He’s fighting with himself to stay in his chair. I get to the table and say “Hi I’m A” he refuses to shake my hand. I slowly sit while he seems to want to flee. He says “I guess we can just ask for the check. I don’t date people like you. I told them I only want someone in shape.” So I got up and left. I was out the door before the hostess even got to the podium. Fucking devestated.

I’m so fucking finished.

Sweet Christ

Wondering

Usually at the end of a relationship the only reminders of that person I keep are logged here. If there are photos or text messages I dump them. I don’t give myself moments of broken reminiscing. Usually.

As things have changed, I’ve found myself hanging on to small momentos. The charm from my first collar. A mirror I worked on with one ex. The photo still attached to his number in my phone. (Still. In. My. Phone.) <- just that is, wow. I don't get any "have! To-text!" feelings. When I do pass his number scrolling through my contacts list my heart twists a bit. But, it passes. I'm ok.

So really I'm wondering how other people deal with this. My friend used to joke that I would "Captain Planet" my exes, you know get rid of their memory with earth, wind, fire and a broken heart. My mom would be furious at the value I was destroying, developed photos, perfumes, jewelry. Saying one day I would regret not having held onto something. There are occasions that I do, just for pure sentimental reasons.

I constantly replay something the therapist told me. About making small deposits with lots of people so that no one person held all of me. She also said that I needed to actively thank my inner child for helping me survive. My whole body spasmed when she said that. I was scared to even open my mouth. Maybe I wasn't ready for this part of the journey.

I should be more like my dogs. Content with where they are, but always aware of what the world looks like.

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Sending you love.

Wondering

Great googely.

Today was a good day, I hired a girl recently who is a decent massage therapist and an amazing person. She lights up a room. Today we went to a training seminar together and had a blast. We laughed so much.

I’m learning something about this diagnosis that explains so much. Which in a way is helpful but equally devestating. I thought the constant ache in my hips, legs, and feet were a product of my work. The exhaustion I’d often felt because of the accumulation of stress over these few months. I’m also learning that stress is absolutely deadly. I’m just tired. Plan and simple, worn down. One day I’ll stop talking about this I promise.

Great googely.

Calm after the storm

We all deserve to break, I hope anyway. Funny how me breaking is really just a blog post, removing friends from social media, and cleaning out my closet. After my rage induced evening I took my new medication and let it do the craptastic magic that it does. I slept. Dreamless sleep.

I read Marian Green’s post this morning, let me see if I can link it via phone. Her latest post, if you don’t know her yet spend some time there. Anyway, it made me smile in the 8 minutes I’ve been awake. I have been, for the last few weeks, wanting to just grab my best friend and go. Find a city we’ve never been too and dance until we can’t anymore. Reading her words pleased me in some way.

I keep thinking back to this personality test my new therapist gave me. I’m sure you’re familiar with it,  The Meyers-Briggs test, I knew without knowing that I’d be labeled INFP. I’ve always loved tests and things that let me explore my psyche more. Beth, the therapist, told me that she was impressed with my self awareness. She also called me out on a few things, in a loving way. About my poly and open aspirations, about my marriage to my ex husband at 18. At this point in time I’m open to receiving insight. Luckily it’s why I’m seeing her. But, it’s also given me a lot to process since Thursday. I feel like I’m still uncovering our words these four days later.

I feel a little lighter having cleaned out my closet. I’m not the type of woman to have endless amounts of clothes. I have a few cocktail dresses that I can dress up or down and wear them anywhere. And the basically work clothes, which makes up my everyday wear anyway. No use wearing pencil skirts in my profession.

Now on the flip side of the coin, hand bags, THOSE I have. You can see my progression in them. Even though currently I find myself with a book sack in which to carry files and my laptop. My wallet just gets thrown in there. The ever growing collection of designer name bags sit stuffed in my closet shelf. Maybe I’ll explore that next time in my counseling session.

Why am I just rambling. Maybe to get to the point I’m really terrified of. That I woke up aroused. I woke up with my body seeking an outlet of release. I’ve had two orgasm’s since the 28 of last month. The second I felt so shameful, it’s laughable really. It started in my bed, the pillows locked down tight over my eyes and ears. Then I panicked and imagined my entire body covered in painful abrasions. Moments later I was in the shower water running hot enough to make my skin red. My body and mind in orbit from the simple stimulations. Every single time something enters my core, it’s like I can’t breathe. Or I forget too, my eyes roll back, I’m told there is a small smile that crosses my lips. Every pulse radiates from my center like pure rays of joy. Moving seductively over my form, curling in tight and sucking back down to one point. Down to this epicenter of pleasure. I’m not sure if I notice before or after, but my breathing stops completely. I shatter, the world shatters. Then the magnetic force of it all brings me back together. There was no emotional release after this one. I just stood in the shower and went about my day. 

I feel like my Aunt Martha, as if I’m writing just to say I had bananas in my cereal. But, my fur children are demanding breakfast.

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One last photo, because this time she posed for me.

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It’s time to feed them before they decide to find it on their own. Then I’m off to film a commercial for my business. I’ll let you imagine the humrous situation this could be lol. No need for me to say it. I hope you have a lovely Sunday.

A

Calm after the storm