Little known secret about me, I sing. All the time, I sing to the dogs. To myself. On snapchat. I sing when I masturbate.
My long time readers might remember a post about that from a few years ago. It was on the old blog that I took down.
So it’s easy for me to mark this one off. Because this evening, did I ever sing. I was out in my courtyard *which is adorable* and singing my little heart out. Suddenly I hear some movement behind me and there are 4 or 5 of my neighbors, staring. *Laughs* they already think I’m nuts.
Which means …. I’m half way through my list. I’m so thrilled. I’m also thankful. That you read, that some of you comment. I’m thankful that I have a mostly healthy, strong body. I’m thankful for the people who love me.
I hope you are filled with quiet peace tonight or right now. Whatever part of the day you may be in.
Many times I have made the commitment to myself to start everyday with positive affirmations. Because, I believe that we need them. Every morning Ive sat down at my vanity and stared at my face. It starts off well enough:
“What big eyes you have.”
Or wait are they small? Am I swollen today? Did I cry in my sleep? Drinking to much soda? It travels down my nose, which is round anyway I mean. Who has a round nose really? Just on the tip there like a Who. There it is Cindy-lou Who. Might as well stand in the court yard and sing to the trees. But you do that anyway don’t you? Talk to the trees and the plants and your dogs. Because no one else is here to talk to you and of course why would they be? You have small eyes and a round nose and you talk to the trees.
Ok. Ok get back on track.
“You are going to do great today!”
Will I? Will today be a great day? Or am I going to fail .. again, like I did yesterday? Who am I comparing myself to anyway? Some made up line of success that you have to walk, but am I REALLY i mean really really really supposed to be a business owner? Ive made such a mess of things anyway. A mess, because thats what I do. Im a mess maker and not a cleaner. Look at this apartment its a wreck. Always a wreck. You come in and the dogs have shred something and you just leave it. Why? Because you are sad. You are tired. You had a hard day.
Get it together!
Do you see how this happens? It makes me laugh to see it written down and in my face. This happens about everything in my life. Friends, family, people who say they will stick by me and end up just sticking it to me. Every move I make is picked apart like this.
Maybe its all about expectations isn’t it? Expecting to be happy or expecting things to be easy. Maybe releasing those will assist me in accepting positive thoughts.
I feel glued to the spot I’m in, everyone around me planning for futures. Puppies, babies, significant others. I’m here dating my business. It’s like the most intense D/s relationship I’ve ever had. Hiding in the too dark restaurant having lunch alone.
Which doesn’t bother me really. My usual table is always waiting for me. I sit across from a woman who comes here every single day for lunch. She is always alone. She wears strappy Dr Scholls shoes and her shirts always match the checked table cloth. I wonder if she has any other affiliation with the people who own the establishment.
Maybe I’ve been too focused on my internal dialog. Maybe it’s time to start reaching out again. Is this me on the tail end of my grief? The new “A”?
Let me preface this by saying, I have no/Zero/not a one issue with sex workers.
Over the last three weeks I’ve had three different men contact my office about “therapist”. This morning was requesting my service for 8 men.
Which in a another lifetime, outside of my profession as an LMT, I would have considered entertaining. In the past I have enjoyed thoroughly exhausting men for my benefit, unfortunately i walk away still craving. But today curiosity got the better of me. How much money would I actually need to charge to offset the risk? I figure a decent attorney willing to even take my case would run me 25,000 low end. I would lose my license and face charges from the board here in my state, so we average in 23,000 for the next 15 years (my expected shelf life as a therapist) fines faced by the board 2500. Education for a new profession in something that is not my passion but still a thing I’d enjoy, 30,000. That brings us to a running total of 402,500.
Now, I don’t know anyone who could refuse just under 403,000 for a few hours of work. (Im basing the few hours off of my own previous experience) Can you imagine? I am and its scintillating, and arousing, have i mentioned that I’m bloody horny? Maybe I should just move to where prostitution is legal. There has got to be some horny people out there HSV positive and needing some TLC, am I right?
It’s no secret I’ve been hungry for a relationship. No secret I’ve been ravenous for sex. Often times I believe in a balance of the universe.
When you need it, it comes.
The teacher arriving when the student is ready.
Wax on, wax off.
Reflect what it is you desire.
Those things are frustrating me tonight. An old friends voice haunts my thoughts “Maybe YOUR person isn’t ready for you yet.” *snaps teeth* Maybe they arent, maybe I’m really terrified for someone to be in my life. Because I can be awful at times. Down right fucked up.
I felt for a few days that I may have been on the verge of some kind of change. Well, not only has it stopped but I feel awfully abandoned. Angry. I am angry about this. Maybe I’m being melodramatic, but it feels pretty certain that I can mark off children AND an SO.
I’m grumbly tonight.
So the little Chinese place around the corner has been delivering me mediocre food and awfully accurate fortunes since January. Tonight’s said :
Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes.
Isn’t that the truth. The last few days have been an emotional shit storm. My heart feels like it’s been pulled through barbed wire. My Monday night wrapped up with 102 fever, I’m suspecting the anti virals are at fault. So I’m tired and recuperating and had a five client day today.
I also feel like I’m not able to fully disclose anymore. Which sucks. Because there is a bunch I’d like to write down. In super broad terms, I’m SO tired of being second choice. My behaviors representing a myriad of excuses: out of town, in town, at work, sleeping, sick, contagious, older, younger, fat, smart, snarky, overzealous, addicted to work. I’m also plum tired, and simultaneously desire and never again want someone in my bed.
We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep
I hope you are well, and loved, and filled with hope.
I’ve been trying to find posts in my mind. What could I possibly write about that is worth reading? An issue I’ve always had. I started this blog to document my movement in kink, and it did that for a long time. My words coming so freely when I’m in a D/s relationship. When I am covering new ground with my body and heart. But I’ve had none of that lately. All I really have is a vagina full of angst.
Because I want to have sex. You know the kind, body prints in the wall and fingerprints that stay on your thighs for weeks. Finding sweet bliss in your hair being tugged so tightly that you whimper. A relentless hate fuck. Then sweet cuddles afterwards. Maybe a glass of water and tangled limbs. Your body to exhausted to avoid the wet spot. The kind of sex that makes the dogs hide in another room.
But for right now the cycle of my life is loving men who are unavailable. I’m so good at that.