Were you aware that i, am in fact a greedy woman? That I enjoy being fussed over. That it makes me feel desired.
Did you know, I feel most important when I’m courted. When I’m asked on a date.
I just learned that these things are needed to make me feel loved. I’m only newly aware that I want them. I want to be pined for. I want to step away from my phone and come back to texts plotting my next taking.
It prevents burnout, I’m learning. This is page one of the Loving Me handbook.
All my hugs and kisses too
A fist tangled in my short hair. Pushing me down on his cock.
I beg for his fingers first. “Please touch me.’ No teasing or soft strokes, a hard suck bringing my right nipple into a hot mouth. I feel the cool air moving over my skin. Eyes rolling back and finally fingers are there. Between the clenching muscles of my thighs. Pushing into the molten center that’s begging for violence. Moments later I feel my body tensing up. Just below my belly button, the sheets trapped between my fingers.
He lays back, I reach between my legs fingers wet from my mouth. Find myself dripping and not in need of extra lubrication. As I slide down the length of his shaft I see colors and shapes I’ve not seen in years. My creative heart cracks open. Spilling out of its guarded center. A confidence I hid away controls the rocking of my hips. I’m not scared to sweat. I’m unafraid that he will see an angle he doesn’t like. I take him deeper. Hands. Fingers. The feeling of his powerful body between my legs. Inside of me.
Inside of my body.
I’ve yet to find out if we move through time or time moves through us. Using our cells to show its passing, aging our bodies to leave marks of progression.
We move from child, to friend: enemy, lover, companion, user, abused and the abuser, poet, artist, company man, stay at home mom, parent.
So much loss.
Lately I’ve felt a sensual softness creeping in. Tempered by the white hot melting of my desires. Feeling as if the wild woman pushes her way through my limbs to make me feel alive all over.
I’ve missed authentic feeling. Living. Loving with few boundaries.
Today makes a year my mom passed away. How wonderful that I get this message just as I’m on the verge of a meltdown.
So I haven’t said anything all day because I didn’t know if I should or not. But I want you to know how much of your mom is in you. Even more since she passed a year ago. You have this bright light around you that I can not explain. It’s the same one I saw when I looked at Her. I know times have been tough with money and life in General, but just know how much I love and care about you. You ARE my family. you have been my sister for the past 15 years and I am So happy for that. I’m sorry that I can’t do anything about your struggles, but please know that I am always here and so is that beautiful woman that watches from where ever she is. I love you.
Some days my heart and emotions are a locked up cage. If you dare to reach your fingers through the bars you could be delighted or devastated. Other days I am a loosely bound book lying in the grass. A gentle wind shimmers by and my pages go flying free. Then there is today.
When I feel as if everything, the book, the cage, its all scattered in the storm.
It’s today that my sister decides, its time to be Bridezilla. Using my observations as arsenal. Giving me excuses as to why I’m being excluded from things I was so looking forward to sharing with her. Laying the foundation for excluding me from bigger things still to come.
I can’t begin to tell you the unrest my heart feels.
Tomorrow make a year that mom is gone.
I want to disconnect.
Ive never known a woman who can break me like she does.
I fear the day when my spirit is gone completely. The day when I have not one more ounce of fight. It happens in shifts that I am beaten. When I think about how easy quitting everything would be. Pack up the essentials, sell off everything else and run.
A brand new start somewhere else. When I get tired of there move on again.
Then underneath the oppressive cloud of fear and anger a bubble of hope appears. One bubble becoming so much more. Everything becoming much more clear. A reminder that I can keep pushing. I just need to make sure its in a direction I can actually thrive.
Some relationships I hope to have for a lifetime, those end up being just for a short season. I’m noticing a trend though. When I’m in a relationship, when I’m happy. A handful of people (family/friends) well they seem to be not happy with me. But, if I’m single and struggling, well gather round the covered wagons y’all, we got us a damsel to save.
*head to wall*
Big changes are happening with my business. It’s awfully bittersweet. I’m trying not to feel like I’ve failed.
Changes are happening in my body. Those suck. Major suck. Hoover vaccum suck. Sink hole suck. The pull from the Titanic sinking suck … you get it. Why with all the hormones?!?!?!
So I’m feeling second rate as a friend, business owner, girlfriend, lover, puppy momma, sister, woman.
I’m also having an issue with a feeling I’ve never dealt with before. Jealousy. Woooooo she’s a bitch, instead of dealing with it like I know I should. I panic and run. I don’t know what else to do really.
So I’m working these things out. Always with the working.