No really it’s me. Not you.
And why sometimes watching my partner tie you, makes me feel sick.
My fella likes to joke that he is mongaish, (monogamous + ish = sort of. Not everyone can understand a particular relationship language) See most people look at us at think our relationship is brand new. They think, “oh how sweet, all in Luuurve with the newness of one another.” When the truth is far more complicated than that. It’s complicated and intense and we’ve grown in a thousand ways since the first time we met. Our respective histories being wildly different and surprisingly similar.
I’ve been mostly poly for the majority of my life and when I wasn’t poly, well I probably wasn’t being honest either. My understanding of his history is a bit different. With his heart and focus remaining beautifully loyal and dedicated to his one partner. As we’ve grown in our respective kink and self awareness, the both of us have softened our ideals. I’ve healed from some of the emotional trauma of my youth and I think he has learned to trust himself and reevaluate what intimacy means to him. (Many thanks to the teachers and guides who have lead us here.)
Now that I’ve decided to reboard the monogamy ship, I’m dealing with issues I’ve never experienced before. Things like: jealousy, injured ego, altered self perception, self conciousness about situations I’ve never had issues with before. Because what is happening, every time his hands touch your lovely lovely skin, I immediately start comparing myself to you. Your play to ours. Your moans to mine. The way he watches you orgasm with his rope between yours legs. Your body writhing between his feet. I’m watching you share this intimate thing with my Top.
Sometimes, it carves into me like a chainsaw. Because I begin to wonder, are you better than me? Does your whimper give him the same adreneline rush mine does? Unfortunately no amount of reassurance from any party involved appeases the uncertainty in me. Like I said, it’s not you.
To be clear, my relationship with my Top has very few issues, because after a long struggle of watching one another from different shores we are finally here. Together. It’s also made me a bit selfish, surprisingly. Where I’ve been too generous in the past, now I seek priority. I want from him what I’ve refused from others. Full attention. Our D/s aside, he is first my partner. Second my Top. 10 times out of 10 the sexual creature in me will see the same attractive features in you that he does. You will pique my interest in an almost identical way. I do not fault you your sexiness. I celebrate it. And two days from now when I again feel desireable, I will return to my original opinion of you. My issues will no longer cloud my appreciation of the masterpiece you are.
I voice this for multiple reasons: 1) after your scene with the Fella I may appear withdrawn. My emotional upheaval needs time to mend in the only way I know how. Self reflection. 2) I know I’m not the only one. With a community such as ours, education and support are paramount. We must learn to care for one another. There will be times you see me stumble when no one else does. A kind smile of understanding over a face of judgement changes a life.
In the mean time while I travel towards enlightenment, please know I love what you share with him. As my Top’s play partner you get a distinct advantage. Care, a friend, understanding, humor, honesty, appreciation and then you get everything that He provides. Which let’s be honest, is pretty freaking awesome.