What if every soul on this earth currently had one lesson to learn? Each person’s lesson something different; inner peace, kindness, generosity, becoming more nurturing. What if the pursuit of these things helped us all in the “end”. Our soul lights bringing back the knowledge to share in a vast community of pure beings. So that each of us would learn from the building of our character. Each of us could return to bring more peace. What if this was the way our life was supposed to be. What if we are all part of each other, because over the vast expanse of time and space, my soul has become a part of yours and yours has become a part of mine. What if in the end, we are all just protecting the breath of ourselves in one another?
I’d like to think of a reality where this were true. Where each of us could spot the goodness in one another. Where we could spot the goodness in ourselves.
This weekend was absolutely sickening for me. Ive finally found the appropriate word for how I feel. As if some rare bacteria is eating away at the soul of me. I had such hope for this relationship that I’m in. A foolish child looking into the bright future and seeing only happiness. How backwards my perception was. Of course it would not be. That is my lesson, I think, that not every soul is destined for happiness. Maybe finding peace in turmoil is my lesson. Whatever it is, I’m tired of the tests. I’m tired of feeling like each of my loved ones has a limb in their grasps as someone else pulls my insides out. I am tired of violence. I am tired of the violence within myself. I am tired of feeling like I need to remember that violence because I do not feel safe. I am sick of the fear that comes from being forced to the edge of my reasoning.
Im tired of feeling rootless.
Now, I’m having to examine everything. No longer a person, but a machine for analysis. Every move is calculated, every defense is on the ready. There is only energy for one thing and the focus is not peace. Ive been pushed back into surviving. I feel my two tenuously connected worlds violently ripping apart. Leaving me held in the middle. The cords of my love for each half of my worlds holding me open and vulnerable to the outside force of everything else. My career, my future, my health. Yet, I am unwilling to let go of either side. Making me the barrier between them. As they charge at one another with spears raised, it is in truth, me who takes the impact. It is me who is left bleeding under the strain of anger and resentment and fear. In the end it will be me who fails as my two halves only fault one another.
And what if after all of this, the answer is actually very simple. That if we learn to love ourselves, we can always love one another. Because, I can see me in you. Because the part of you that loves the way I do, is the part of me I know best.