A division of self

What if every soul on this earth currently had one lesson to learn? Each person’s lesson something different; inner peace, kindness, generosity, becoming more nurturing. What if the pursuit of these things helped us all in the “end”. Our soul lights bringing back the knowledge to share in a vast community of pure beings. So that each of us would learn from the building of our character. Each of us could return to bring more peace. What if this was the way our life was supposed to be. What if we are all part of each other, because over the vast expanse of time and space, my soul has become a part of yours and yours has become a part of mine. What if in the end, we are all just protecting the breath of ourselves in one another?

I’d like to think of a reality where this were true. Where each of us could spot the goodness in one another. Where we could spot the goodness in ourselves.

This weekend was absolutely sickening for me. Ive finally found the appropriate word for how I feel. As if some rare bacteria is eating away at the soul of me. I had such hope for this relationship that I’m in. A foolish child looking into the bright future and seeing only happiness. How backwards my perception was. Of course it would not be. That is my lesson, I think, that not every soul is destined for happiness. Maybe finding peace in turmoil is my lesson. Whatever it is, I’m tired of the tests. I’m tired of feeling like each of my loved ones has a limb in their grasps as someone else pulls my insides out. I am tired of violence. I am tired of the violence within myself. I am tired of feeling like I need to remember that violence because I do not feel safe. I am sick of the fear that comes from being forced to the edge of my reasoning.

Im tired of feeling rootless.

Now, I’m having to examine everything. No longer a person, but a machine for analysis. Every move is calculated, every defense is on the ready. There is only energy for one thing and the focus is not peace. Ive been pushed back into surviving. I feel my two tenuously connected worlds violently ripping apart. Leaving me held in the middle. The cords of my love for each half of my worlds holding me open and vulnerable to the outside force of everything else. My career, my future, my health. Yet, I am unwilling to let go of either side. Making me the barrier between them. As they charge at one another with spears raised, it is in truth, me who takes the impact. It is me who is left bleeding under the strain of anger and resentment and fear. In the end it will be me who fails as my two halves only fault one another.

And what if after all of this, the answer is actually very simple. That if we learn to love ourselves, we can always love one another. Because, I can see me in you. Because the part of you that loves the way I do, is the part of me I know best.

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A division of self

A slice of YTYS

My internal gauges are a crapshoot. Hormones, Adrenals, Thyroid, Kidneys, Chemical levels. It feels like a vortex of doom cycling inside of me. Since January the boyfriend and I have decided to move in together, most of it has been exciting. Some minor renovations (flooring and painting our bedroom. Along with fixing the fence so my little dogs can stop escaping.) Some of it has been frustrating, like choosing a paint color we both like. Finally I receded and he chose a color that suited him best. (Its turkish coffee by Sherwin Williams if you’re curious.) Frustrating still that I’m STILL divided in house and home. Some of my things remaining at the apartment, while most of my things are here at the house. With the official move out date looming closer I find myself terrified and aggravated that it isn’t done yet. Forcing me to spend more money where I would prefer not to.

Of course, all of this is happening during a very busy social season in my life. We have two events to attend every weekend. Every. Single. Weekend. When we don’t have that there are the kids, or my sister and nephew an hour and a half away. Im planning a wellness day for next month and trying to keep this business afloat. Im sure some of you are leaning back, your lovely face pulled into an indulgent smile. Yes, things are pretty good. Im too busy to notice, too tired to care when they aren’t. I guess this is what life is, for some people. On occasion I ache for the silence that was my home. For the tranquility of napping on my couch or in the meditation room. During those times I try to slip quietly into my office and take a few deep breaths. To calm my mind and nervous system. To steady myself against the constant stream of activity.

One day, when all I have left are the snapshots in my mind, I’ll remember these days as my favorite. I’ll remember being upset about feeling second and laugh. I’ll remember mourning the loss of friends, lovers, parents, pets. I suppose thats all we can hope for. Right? To remember a life you led and have it bring you joy. If that’s the case, I must be doing something right.

A slice of YTYS