Monthly update

With some amusement I notice, that I’ve been posting only once a month or so. Things are strange here in relationship land. Maybe making bullet points will help me get my information together.

● The D/s we are in does not feel very D/s to me, I’ve been thinking on this rather extensively. It’s actually not D/s at all. I don’t feel in anyway that I am submissive. On the bimonthly occasion that we are at a play party I feel like one of his regular bottoms. Not in any way that we have a power exchange.

● I also don’t feel that I’m a very good bottom for him. Our play feels hollow to me. I think in part because there is no power exchange.

●I don’t enjoy “bottoming” I crave to submit and I don’t feel like I can do that to someone who isn’t my Dominant. Bottoming, for me, feels like a facade.

● I’ve recently questioned literally all of the things I’ve thought were my kinks. Making this list is shedding light on a primary issue. M is a sadist, pure and true. I don’t hurt for people I’m not the little “s” for. If I’m being hurt for pleasure during sex, and there is no D/s, I feel violated. Not stimulated.

● My sex life is a barren field. Because of the faulty workings of our attempted D/s I’m shutting down.

● I’m starting to shut down everywhere actually.

● I don’t know how to have this conversation.

Monthly update

2 thoughts on “Monthly update

  1. Oh dear hugs!
    I don’t pretend to understand the dynamic between you and M but this is definitely a conversation you need to have with him! I am also someone who can’t just bottom. So I understand that empty feeling. If there is a chance that perhaps he just genuinely doesn’t know how you are feeling and would be willing and able to give you what you need then you must talk to him. D/s is about both peoples needs being met. Your needs count too! Big gentle hugs to you

    1. How kind you are, thank you for your words. We will have the conversation again. I fear that he doesn’t truly want to or know how to have a D/s relationship. We shall see, returning your hugs. Thank you.

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