The tale of a little goddess

Long ago, before you and I were ever ephemerally formed for this ecstatic ride, there was a great storm. It flooded the Earth and was destroying all life forms, animals, people, and plants alike. The gods, sitting high and mighty grew very concerned, when after some time the storm had not ceased! It continued to grow and destroy, threatening our very own Mother Earth. Her bones growing weary under the weight of the vicious storms pressure. Legend has it that in the peak of this storm a goddess was born. With her birth the storm ceased and we were once again able to flourish on our lands. Her name is Bagalamukhi.

I am very blessed in my profession, people of all walks of life come to me. We share so much. Our sorrows and joys, I guide them through the sometimes lifelong chronic pain of this life experience. On multiple occasions I have been by their side, hands on as this life journey has ended for them. I have felt the last breath to leave a persons body. With it the memories and emotions casting itself out. What I do sometimes, is powerful stuff. Within this year I’ve had a new and very cherished person enter my life. For the sake of internet anonymity we will call her Raven.

From the moment she entered my office I knew I would love her. In the real way, not whatever dismissive way we “omg i luv u so much” people. But, in the way you love a friend you’ve known your whole life. Her soul spoke to mine. We connected. Along with being highly intuitive she is greatly complimentary, similar to the way I love my people. There have been times its strange being on the other end of that intention. Im learning to accept her love with grace. What strikes me as “share-worthy” this afternoon is a name she’s called me multiple times now. Little goddess.

It empowers me to hear those words. Her affirmation of my life energy as a professional, as a human, has blown my world open. Without knowing it, she has reinvigorated my troops so to speak. She has reminded me that while the room I’m in may be dark and closing in, I have only to turn the door knob in my hand to allow myself into the next phase of my life. I am the only one holding me back. She’s reminding me that I have the power to be reborn, the power to stop my own storms.

How lucky am I?

This junction also reminds me of something I read weeks ago:

“Somedays, I’ll just be too much woman. Too smart, too beautiful, too strong. Too much of something, that may make a man feel like less of a man. The biggest mistake I can make, is to remove jewels from my crown, to make it easier for a man to carry. Please, understand, I do not need a smaller crown.”

This in no way is a reflection on any of my personal relationships. Only the most intimate relationship of all, the one with myself.

Im feeling very loved today. Because I’m remembering to love myself. Im also closing this with a reminder, its ok to love yourself too.

A

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The tale of a little goddess

Reflections

Of all the forums I have to express these words, the appropriate one fails me currently. As I pack up my small two bedroom apartment moments have been bittersweet. Some have just been sad. A few, well a few have been regrets. I have made strides to say I would never live a life I would regret. Yet I find myself here, thinking of the ghosts of the last 18 months.

As my hands touch the very fiber of things i’ve spent 30 years trying to run from.  My mind reminds me that fear and devestation I’ve experienced in the first quarter of my life are dead. He is long gone, though his teachings and scars bind me at times. The gentle healing that my mom  attempted to provide after guilt drove her to action. I don’t have to carry that weeping suitcase around anymore either.

I try to highlight the things that she’s missing. How much she would have loved MC, how I am the things she always loved about me. Gentle, kind, loving, forgiving, and I’m sure for someone my smile still lights up the room. I’m sure they feel like my hand resting on their forearm is a moment of peace. That they look at me and see a million stars waiting to burst. That is the regret. Knowing I won’t ever see her recognize the way I’ve grown.

I think of my lovers here. Who held my head above water in the tsunami of my life. The one who sat with me in my miniscule bathroom and was present with me while I cried in my shower. Just there, a silent pillar of support for me. He helped me believe I was beautiful all the time. Not just when I was made up and ready to socialize. He made me feel worthy, appreciated, loved. *If you read this, thank you. For all of the ways you believed in me. You made me feel hopeful. For myself and my future.*

There are moments when all of the loss feels like total devestation. As if surely one day a board will Crack and the house of my life will implode on itself.

Then I remember that MC is someone who has always been my partner. He has always always supported when my own legs failed. But not so much that I’ve forgotten I have legs. I recognize his flaws. I feel as if I can love him without rose colored glasses shading my view. The feeling is calm and sure. A steadiness I’ve never felt. It’s a new adventure.

While I move forward with the lessons of my past, some of those things with varying degrees of presence, it’s hopeful.

I have hope. Thank you for walking with me. For walking for me when I couldnt.

Reflections

I’ve been asked

The TNG (The Next Generation) group of our local community has asked me to give an educational class on sensual massage. The possibilities about this thrill me. Intristically I know the body, understand it’s zones. I can imagine how my body feels against yours. My softness, every dip and valley. My hands moving against the tired, strained, worn muscles under your skin.

Part of my job as a therapist is making my clients a partner. Sometimes just for 60 minutes, professionally we are partners in health. One in wellness. We are working together to better you.

Outside of work I’ve only been able to share this tantric, soul searing intimacy with one person. She is no longer on this plane of existence. I’ve not had any other partner open to sharing this with me. Though I practice it alone. It’s very different when its done with someone else. Very different when it’s done in front of a room full of people ready to learn what you have to share.

I teeter between opening up tantric lesson and just sticking to sensual massage. It’s just so entangled for me. One being the other, tantric meeting sensual. Being open with your partner. Regardless of all these things I’m very excited. Very very.

I’ve been asked

Primal

Im always curious when this feeling starts to come over me, a pull. The natural pulse of something alive and thriving, the hypnotic rhythm of drumming. It sits low in my hips, tightening and fighting to break out.

So much of my life is spent keeping this feeling in check, living quietly and calmly in the serene environment Ive created. All the while the wild woman waits.

Primal

Two year blogversary

Happy two years to me. Yayyy.

I seem to find myself with a boyfriend. (Way to open this post up right?) Miss single and mingle is now attached. I’ve had bad luck in the past sharing about my relationships here. So when I do touch on it I’m sure it will be sporadic and postdated.

Things I tend to be excited about for 2015:

A larger percentage of my time being spent with rope on my body.

Growing spiritually.

Winning at this whole “running a business” thing.

Maybe for the first time using my body like the tool it is and not letting it use me.

Being happy.

Happy.

And if not happy, joyfully content.

Two year blogversary

The dwindling list and followers

I rarely log onto WordPress from my laptop. Most of my posts, historically, have been from my cell. But today I was here, so I dug around in my followers list. Some of you have been with me for two years!!! Two entire years. Thank you, and to those of you who have known me since yesthankyousir. My heart goes to you in the warmest of hugs. Our journey on these internet paths have not been easy. I love you.

In the last few days I’ve accomplished quite a few things.

26. Actively love yourself.
28. Take lots of photos.
32. Make floor cushions.
33. Buy and use “art is love” canvas.
36. Take a photo of each partner you have this year.

Number 26 and 32 are a joint project, I have for some time wanted a meditation room. So I repurposed some things and created a space that will allow me to focus on loving myself and it let me use some things I already had for floor cushions.

This is my first stage result:

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Number 28, this year has been a journey of travel and memories. The photos I have are amazing and hopefully last my memory a lifetime.

Ill repost some of those photos here:

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Number 33, someone dear to me pointed out that anything you intend for use as a canvas becomes one. I was, whining is the proper word, about not having ordered it and used it. He quickly reminded me that on many occasions my body has made my sheets a canvas. That my love for people is my art. The many lipstick kisses and fingernail marks all act as my living art. So I feel comfortable marking it off.

Number 36, this year has been difficult for me sexually. First with the passing of my mom, then my diagnosis, and the large amounts of travel, had for a while put me out of business. So, I’m including the one play partner I’ve had and my one sexual partner. Ill post the rope work I’ve shared with my play partner, alas I feel selfish and don’t wish to post the other one.

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Only seven things remain.

12. Dance.
22. Write letter to those you love.
23. Max out on orgasms.
40. Experience anal.
42. Kiss in the rain.
43. Complete this list.
47. Bake for your neighbor.

I don’t know that number 40 will be completed, of course making 43 impossible. Which will ruffle my feathers a bit lol. But, really I don’t know that i’ll ever really be able to have anal sex with a partner. Though ……. I’ve given myself leeway on some other things. I have had amazing anal sex alone, let me know what you think. Can I mark it off?

Thank you to all of you, those who have been with me from the beginning and those new to the YTYS realm. My love goes out to all of you.

May your bodies rest well this evening.

A

The dwindling list and followers