Conflicting emotions

For some reason the last few days have left me in a very quite spot. Friday was a birthday party for a friend of mine, it was at a club near where I live. Generally to go to the clubs on party days you have to go through a series of munches and then orentation. But because it was a private party I could bring an uninitiated guest with me. Naturally I chose Hannah.

I was thrilled to finally share a this part of my life with the person who has known me most of mine. I was also a bit anxious, (of judgement?) I don’t know. But she drove in and we got all dolled up then headed out. As is customary for me before going to the club I couldn’t stop talking. Subconsciously I registered that, I miss this part of it all. The excitement, the energy it gives me. I miss the promise that things will be wonderful. A few hours to be completely who I am around people being completely who they are. Finally, my best friend could see this part of me. See me with someone I care very much about in an environment 180° from our usual.

As we got closer I started getting nervous, it felt like someone was sitting inside of my chest. As if suddenly I no longer wanted this bit of me exposed. We talked about the blog, she was given access to this too recently. With all the dedication that is associated with our friendship, she read every single post. I was touched and terrified, what if she wouldn’t love me anymore? What if my ideas were to dark, my soul not worthy in some way? What if I hurt her feelings by some errant comment or badly constructed sentence? What would I do in the face of losing this woman in my life?

Naturally most of my anxiety was unwarranted. This beautiful woman who has seen me reborn in most every phase of my life. Who has been witness to the years I fill. She has always been right there next to me, ready to walk through whatever fog or forest I think necessary. She has been a soul mate I never thought I deserved. As she and I walked into this play space I tried to see through her eyes. I tried to let this all be brand new and something my best friend did while we weren’t together.

Of course, I ended up just watching her, as I always do. She was, surprised, moved, uncomfortable, interested. Each new reaction a succulent change from the last. As the night reached a new exploration high for her, I felt myself step back. Maybe to a slow running down of energy, maybe emotionally. I ran into sleepiness like it was a brick wall. Every ache in my body flaring up and roaring down my legs into my feet. We left shortly thereafter,  I fell asleep on the ride home. Dreaming vivid and bizarre scenes. Missing this constant in my life, desiring to have a portion of it back. Terrified of the new grounds for rejection.

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Conflicting emotions

How should I even title this

It seems my entire life has vomited itself out again. Here I am slowly piecing everything back together, finding what goes where and it’s just not fitting. I’ve always had this vision of my life in the long term. Maybe a beautiful nuclear family. A partner who loved me, a sweet child to love and cherish. A house that never was quite finished being renovated, dogs running in the yard. The fat happy cat that would curl up in my lap on the porch. My S.O. and I loving one another and our other partners. All operating smoothly some days and a thunderstorm on others. But we would all be safe in the knowledge that just inside those walls, love lived there.

It lived there and was good. Monday morning while my flight from Houston landed I turned airplane mode off on my phone. It took a minute and I half expected a dozen text messages from people I love exclaiming how much I’d been missed. There was only one. From a girl I’d dated a year ago. All it said was “Got my annual, came back positive for a few things. Get tested.”

Few things stop life on a dime, that text dear friends. That text is one of them. Like a movie reel the partners I have made a list in my mind. My stomach flipped, my vision blurred. How irresponsible I’ve been, potentially exposing them to this. As the details and ramifications exploded my heart beat a thudding funeral march for life the way I love it.

I made an appointment for Wednesday and focused on the long week ahead of me. Something in the back of my mind, something in my heart, my stomach, my psyche telling me I’d never go back to the way things were before Austria. Wednesday morning presented itself to a voice mail saying my appointment had been rescheduled. Dandy.

Thursday I walk through the office doors after hardly sleeping at all. Fill out intake forms and wait. Pregnant women stroll in, low income, multiple children, piercings and too tight clothes. Knock off Chanel, Coach and LV handbags being rifled through by bored children. I wait. Finally they call my name, my real name, only they say it wrong. No one has called me that name since January. No one says it right anyway. Bile rises in my throat and I’m weighed, I’ve lost 4 pounds, my blood pressure is taken, it’s a bit too high.

“Do you feel safe in your relationships?” I laugh, my husky voice coating the room. “Safe. In my relationships.  Yes, I mean as much as I can be.” She laughs, “I know these are crazy questions.” I look at her face, used to dealing with women who milk the system. Families with more mouths than money. Here I am, getting tested because my ex girlfriend said I needed too. Because now people I care about and their families are at risk. Because now even if I could get pregnant I don’t want too, because who knows the effects my indiscretions will have on an innocent soul. Then one face comes to mind, a face I’ve come to adore. I see it quickly fade away, fear creeping in that I’ve never been that important anyway. I stare at the toe of my flats, “I’m not in an abusive relationship” she scrolls down on the screen. “Are you sexually active with: men, women, or both?” I think of the shelf I need to buy for the second room I’m renting out. “Both”

“You’ll need to take your bottoms off and cover yourself with this.” Her hand hovers over the paper blanket on the table. “The nurse practitioner will be with your shortly.” I shed my skirt and climb up, imagining: scoot closer to the edge, down, down, a little more. Remembering the dysfunction happening at work. The dogs at home and how I forgot to pick up the puppy pad. How it doesn’t matter anymore if I shave my vagina or not. How I can’t imagine ever being comfortable with someone touching it again. I cry. Hot tears pooling in the shell of my ear. I pull my hair, hard. Shiver. My phone lights up, a million miles away. There is a knock on the door. Two women enter. A student and the nurse practitioner. Student comes around and sits to be eye level with me. She’s kind and I can sense nervous that she will have to break my heart. Her hand rests for a moment on my arm “So what are you concerned about today?”

There’s some fumbling at my feet, stirrup. A tap on the bed. “Scoot down, just a bit more. That’s good.” A question I can’t hear, not meant for me anyway. A feel it though, the discovery. I know the answer before their heads even clear my blanket. My heart stops all together. I say a prayer it never starts again. That the morgue can just come and get me. No skirt and all. Sympathetic eyes, two pair. Two women who are witness to the death of my dream. Two women who have seen countless other women on this very table. No pants and a broken heart.

We talk about treatment options. I don’t shed a single tear, my hands shake. I’m reminded again “This can be managed.” They step out. Leaving me in my paper gown. I hear the nurse congratulate the student for doing such a good job. “You did really well, made her feel like you cared and that you had hope things would be fine.” I want my momma. I slowly walk over to the chair that’s holding my skirt. Step into it and my shoes. A few moments later the nurse comes in, hands me two papers stapled together. Says kind words and wishes me luck. She walks out and I find my way to the front desk. I wait.

My sister, all concern, asks if I need her to leave work. I remember the things she’s had to say about people I share this diagnosis with. I have a virus. My best friend “Fuck. I’m so sorry.” My vaginas new name is Death Valley. It’s where hope goes to die apparently. No more compliments about someone loving it. Or the way it tastes. No one calling it pretty. Just as I’d come to accept it for what it is. Scars and all.

So this is my new life. Learning to live in 2014, a single woman with herpes.

How should I even title this

Was it good for you?

Austria was amazing. My bank account is telling me to get home and work though. So ill leave you with a collection of photos.

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This man is part of a long story I’ll tell you more about when I’m not in an airport.

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I hope you are well and loved. If you need a reminder always come here. There is a surplus of affection and I’ll remind you again and again that you’re amazing.

A

Was it good for you?

Just in case I die week

So I’m doing that this week. Spending time with people I love, just in case I die on my way to or in Austria. I’m calling it … well, “just in case I die week”. Easy enough to remember and everyone keeps telling me I’m silly and to stop saying it. But, you know we all die. Right.

It leads me though, to people who are too busy to see me. Or those who are saying they won’t spend a few hours with me because I’ll be back on the 5. It makes me a little sad, knowing that maybe I won’t have the chance to see them and touch their hand for just a moment. Because, what if something happens to them while I’m gone? What if I come back because everyone has developed a very contagious disease that makes your hair fall out and you go blind.  Or I CANT because everyone is a zombie? But I have to try anyway because my dogs are here and there is a chance I could save them. But I show up and all of those people who didn’t make time for me to say I love you are zombying against my door because they think they want my brains but really just wanted to say “A I love you and I’m sorry I missed saying it before you went on your trip and I don’t really mean it but yours brains smell awesome right now.”

What if that happens?

What if I’m just being hormonal and I’m feeling neglected. Even though I shouldn’t, but I can’t sleep and I’m a little sad that I feel like I keep giving too much to people who could care less. Like always.

Anxiety. Right?

I’m also imaging that we are reincarnated, because I like the idea. That we get another chance. So even if I am, for some reason right and all of these “just in case” moments I’m making are going to be my last moments, there’s another chance. Another chance for me to make myself number one, because I keep forgetting that I need too.

Just in case I die week

The List Updated

1 Rope orgasm 2/2/2014
2 Clothed orgasm2/16/2014
3 Buy a dslr3/20/14
4 Acquire passport 6/18/14
5 Use passport 6/28/14
6 Take a cruise
7 Drive to New Orleans3/23/14
8 Be a total tourist in a new place 5/4/14
9 Get a massage and a facial 6/20/14
10 Actively submit
11 Fall in love
12 Dance
13 Sing
14 Kiss someone you’re crazy about 2/1/2014
15 Tell them an intimate secret2/9/2014
16 Watch one new movie a month (5/11)
17 Read one new book a month (11/11) jumped the gun on this one 🙂
18 Find a museum and go2/20/2014
19 Paint something2/20/2015
20 Create something with someone you care about months ago
21 Cook a new dish (11)
22 Write letters to those you love (Ashley, Cason, Hannah) give it to them
23 Max out on orgasms
24 Go for a boat ride5/4/14
25 Listen to a new band2/9/2014
26 Actively love yourself
27 Buy a new dress 3/12/14
28 Take LOTS of photos
29 Stay at a fancy hotel 6/4/14
30 Have a house party
31 Stay in bed all day with someone you adore
32 Make floor cushions
33 Buy and use “art is love” canvas
34 Get a tattoo 2/1/2014
35 Get family photos taken
36 Take a photo of each partner you have this year
37 Get a proper spanking2/16/2014
38 Flirt
39 Orgasm from just breast play 4/6/14
40 Experience anal
41 Swim in a lake
42 Kiss in the rain
43 Complete this list!
44 Help a stranger as often as possible
45 Build an herb garden 3/4/14
46 Try a brand new event (BED April)6/4/14
47 Bake for your neighbor
48 Float in a swimming pool5/4/14

Had a request for the updated list. The post correlating to each marked off item can be found under the “getting a life” tag. Thank you for everyone’s incredible support!

A

The List Updated

Almost half

Almost half of my list is complete! For the first time ever I’m getting the easy things accomplished first lol. I’m also not even touching on the huge things I’m doing outside of the list. But here’s to the things I have done.

4 Acquire passport. I leave for Austria on the 28, I’ll be there a week. Here’s to safe travels.

9 Get a massage and a facial. Friday I treated myself. The “facial” part is what was difficult for me. I hated it, but I made myself do it. My skin feels so lovely and soft!

39 Orgasm from just breast play. This happened quite some time ago.

44 Help a stranger. I do this as often as possible. So that in turn, if someone I love is one day in need there may be someone kind near them. Help someone today, even if it’s just holding the door open.

Sending you love dear reader,
A

Almost half

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I was given an award for outstanding alumni. Had to go down to New Orleans and give a speech (which I sobbed through and then realized everyone else was crying right along with me) I’ll post it here for you to read. Along with some photos. Anyway, we stayed at the Windsor in New Orleans and I mean …   really?! So fancy.

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We also went to the aquarium and of course I became to attached to an animal.

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But we wrapped it all up having fun, as usual.
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I know I dont have a lot of time, and id like to apologize in advance if I get emotional. Ill try to properly give due to how your school has been integral in changing my life. Three short years ago, after seven years of marriage my husband and I decided that we were completely different people and opted to quit putting on happy faces for the crowd. We ended our marriage and with it came epic amounts of loss and strenuous rebirth. I spent a few weeks feeling wholly homeless, sleeping on couches and bartering my room for chores around friends homes. My father passed away after a very slow, expensive, spiritually damaging health decline, not assisted by his addictions. My younger sister who has and will always be the light of my life brought into our world the most beautiful ray of sunshine I have ever had the honor of meeting. Shortly after my father left this stage of existence my mother was rediagnosed with breast cancer. It was metastatic, there was no treatment. There would be no “get better” options. She was not going to be with us very long. While all of this was throwing my world upside down, my sister and I decided it was time for school! She had a six month old beautiful baby boy, we had one car, I was working two jobs. I cant say we have ever been very good at timing. Before deciding to transfer to Unitech Training Academy, we started taking night classes at another technical college. Something was always missing from my educators there. That something we f!ound with you!

Your job as instructors is so important. Without realizing you transformed me, you helped change my life. Your walls gave me a home, and a way to build my own after I’d left you. By dedicating your time and energy with me you gave me the tools I needed to be where I am now. January 22 of this year after two years of heart breaking struggle my mom lost her battle with breast cancer. She would have been so proud of me in this moment. So proud to see me 28, healthy, still single, independent, a business owner, I’m being rewarded here sharing my story with you, I’ve been highlighted and then featured in Natural Awakenings magazine. Because of you I own my own thriving, financially lucrative business. Because of your job as instructors im building my own home, spiritually and physically. You have changed my direction, you have given me a future. One that i probably dont have the words for just yet. But am e!ternally grateful for none the less. !

At the end of this year i begin training in alternative and holistic medicine. Maybe next time you see me ill have a few more initials at the end of my name. With the ever constant support of friends like the one who is here with me today, I was able to take my first steps with you . Thank you.

I didn’t get to actually go to BED in April, but this event counts so I’m marking it off.

I’d built an herb garden and it started out promising.
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Then the weather turned horrible and it was destroyed by hail. Plus my schedule is silly busy.

But I had fun putting it together. Anyway, I’ve been sick for two days now. It’s very difficult to get out of bed and doubly difficult to have an 8 year old, a cat and 5 dogs to tend to. Send me bubbles!

All my love
A

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