For some reason the last few days have left me in a very quite spot. Friday was a birthday party for a friend of mine, it was at a club near where I live. Generally to go to the clubs on party days you have to go through a series of munches and then orentation. But because it was a private party I could bring an uninitiated guest with me. Naturally I chose Hannah.
I was thrilled to finally share a this part of my life with the person who has known me most of mine. I was also a bit anxious, (of judgement?) I don’t know. But she drove in and we got all dolled up then headed out. As is customary for me before going to the club I couldn’t stop talking. Subconsciously I registered that, I miss this part of it all. The excitement, the energy it gives me. I miss the promise that things will be wonderful. A few hours to be completely who I am around people being completely who they are. Finally, my best friend could see this part of me. See me with someone I care very much about in an environment 180° from our usual.
As we got closer I started getting nervous, it felt like someone was sitting inside of my chest. As if suddenly I no longer wanted this bit of me exposed. We talked about the blog, she was given access to this too recently. With all the dedication that is associated with our friendship, she read every single post. I was touched and terrified, what if she wouldn’t love me anymore? What if my ideas were to dark, my soul not worthy in some way? What if I hurt her feelings by some errant comment or badly constructed sentence? What would I do in the face of losing this woman in my life?
Naturally most of my anxiety was unwarranted. This beautiful woman who has seen me reborn in most every phase of my life. Who has been witness to the years I fill. She has always been right there next to me, ready to walk through whatever fog or forest I think necessary. She has been a soul mate I never thought I deserved. As she and I walked into this play space I tried to see through her eyes. I tried to let this all be brand new and something my best friend did while we weren’t together.
Of course, I ended up just watching her, as I always do. She was, surprised, moved, uncomfortable, interested. Each new reaction a succulent change from the last. As the night reached a new exploration high for her, I felt myself step back. Maybe to a slow running down of energy, maybe emotionally. I ran into sleepiness like it was a brick wall. Every ache in my body flaring up and roaring down my legs into my feet. We left shortly thereafter, I fell asleep on the ride home. Dreaming vivid and bizarre scenes. Missing this constant in my life, desiring to have a portion of it back. Terrified of the new grounds for rejection.