Conflicting emotions

For some reason the last few days have left me in a very quite spot. Friday was a birthday party for a friend of mine, it was at a club near where I live. Generally to go to the clubs on party days you have to go through a series of munches and then orentation. But because it was a private party I could bring an uninitiated guest with me. Naturally I chose Hannah.

I was thrilled to finally share a this part of my life with the person who has known me most of mine. I was also a bit anxious, (of judgement?) I don’t know. But she drove in and we got all dolled up then headed out. As is customary for me before going to the club I couldn’t stop talking. Subconsciously I registered that, I miss this part of it all. The excitement, the energy it gives me. I miss the promise that things will be wonderful. A few hours to be completely who I am around people being completely who they are. Finally, my best friend could see this part of me. See me with someone I care very much about in an environment 180° from our usual.

As we got closer I started getting nervous, it felt like someone was sitting inside of my chest. As if suddenly I no longer wanted this bit of me exposed. We talked about the blog, she was given access to this too recently. With all the dedication that is associated with our friendship, she read every single post. I was touched and terrified, what if she wouldn’t love me anymore? What if my ideas were to dark, my soul not worthy in some way? What if I hurt her feelings by some errant comment or badly constructed sentence? What would I do in the face of losing this woman in my life?

Naturally most of my anxiety was unwarranted. This beautiful woman who has seen me reborn in most every phase of my life. Who has been witness to the years I fill. She has always been right there next to me, ready to walk through whatever fog or forest I think necessary. She has been a soul mate I never thought I deserved. As she and I walked into this play space I tried to see through her eyes. I tried to let this all be brand new and something my best friend did while we weren’t together.

Of course, I ended up just watching her, as I always do. She was, surprised, moved, uncomfortable, interested. Each new reaction a succulent change from the last. As the night reached a new exploration high for her, I felt myself step back. Maybe to a slow running down of energy, maybe emotionally. I ran into sleepiness like it was a brick wall. Every ache in my body flaring up and roaring down my legs into my feet. We left shortly thereafter,  I fell asleep on the ride home. Dreaming vivid and bizarre scenes. Missing this constant in my life, desiring to have a portion of it back. Terrified of the new grounds for rejection.

Conflicting emotions


December 31 always brings self reflection, for everyone? Maybe so.

If you’ve read the blog then you know the journey. All the ups and downs, if you’re new and have time or interest I invite you to stay a while here in my thoughts.

I have nothing wise to say, I feel like there has not been much learned this year. Only ideas and plans coming into sharper focus. I do feel that the holidays are a true test for personal views.

Are you really happy?

Was that the right choice?

A hundred other things and my answer is always, at the moment yes.

Anyway, my wish for you, even for the ones who don’t read these words.

I wish you well. I wish you joy in every form, even if it is a small smile when the sun finds you. I wish you just enough sadness to keep all in focus. I hope 2014 is your best year yet and you are nourished on every level.

Most of all I’m sending you love. Because you need it and you might as well get it from me.



New Orleans

Usually a trip to my beloved city is incredible. Very little disturbance or upset. But, last night.

Let’s start from a better beginning point. I don’t often drink, I even more rarely drink until I’m not making sense. The group of people I was with, well falling down in the street is heralded. We also had a friend from Puerto Rico visiting his brother and sister-in-law (ish- they aren’t married, which is a key element to this story)

So we are out and in Bourbon having all the fun, running into old friends and meeting new ones. Things are going beautifully, I’m watching our friend take in the madness. Women nearly naked just because. Men asleep on sidewalks because they are so wasted. I’m hoping he sees the beautiful stuff, I’m hoping he feels what I do when I’m in New Orleans. It takes someone new a long time to see beyond the alcohol and bright lights. But, the look of wonder on his beautiful face was incredible.

At some point in the night my friend and I notice a group of three girls. One who is drunk, two who cannot stand anymore. They look to be average run of the mill college girls. Literally 5’5 and 120 pounds a piece. With quick efficiency one gets sectioned off from the trio and is being coaxed away from her friends. She is too intoxicated to even notice. The more sober girl is too preoccupied to care. My friend and I are not. We follow them for a block or so and realize, the man who has the third little bird is not following the other two. His intention is not to keep her safe. So, I step in and my my dear friend goes to assist the stumbling duo.

It seems though that the third girl in our group. The pre Madonna, the not quite sister in law has a problem with us helping these girls. She is so angry that we are assisting these “fucking slut strangers” instead of staying to drink more with her and two men with whom she is safe.

But back to the current main event. Two miles, many blocks and a very frustrated 45 minutes later we are depositing our Florida friends at their hotel. No vomit, thankfully. One asshole literally lifting our skirts to look at our asses. Until an entirely different group of women stepped in to assist us. They are safe and we are headed back to the infamous Louisiana melting pot.

This is not the side of New Orleans I enjoy.

We come back to a bubbling undercurrent that is easily ignored. The visiting Puerto Rican is adamant about going to a strip club. So off to The Hustler we go. We roll in like a random bunch of gypsies, making the doorman laugh. Handing out kisses on the cheek, getting in without paying the ridiculous cover. Of course the minute we cross into half naked women the entire energy changes.

I secure a table as everyone else …. Fucking vanishes. The two women, my friend and the sister in law scamper off to the bathroom. The men are stuck at the bar eyes glued to the alcohol bottles. Every single person in the group I’m in, hiding from their sexuality.

It’s slightly amusing until it becomes frustrating. Now I’m a single woman, sitting at a table, surrounded by men with raging hard ons. 30 minutes later I’m still alone. My anger slowly, oh so slowly, building.

Finally everyone comes back, I move half of our group to a private table. Each girl from the main stage relocates to a smaller stage after their show. Here we are: me, my friend who has never ever been too a strip club and is adorably informing each girl dancing, our foreign friend who speaks limited English but all testosterone.

This is when I notice the epic drama starting, the couple of the group are sending off major pissed off vibes. Until it literally explodes and they storm out. Part of me would just like to stay, say I didn’t notice. The governing side of me says deposit brother, get my ass home because I’m tired. So off we go, thanking the first decent dancer there and gathering our things. The chase begins and ends in me leaving a belligerent, foolish, violent, dishonest, manipulative woman in the middle of New Orleans.

The moral of this long winded tale, always help a fellow human in need. Always always. But remind yourself it’s more than acceptable to remove yourself from a violent situation. Go ahead and say the word now, just say “NO” out loud. Let it be the first time you acknowledge your self worth. Be honest with yourself about your relationships, your heart, your feelings. Do not be afraid to remove people from your life who treat you on a sub par manner. If you ever need a reason why, come back to this post and let me help you back to somewhere safe.

New Orleans