December moments

It seems that my shelf life is rather short. I can go through months and months of flirting but, after 4-6 of more intimate contact, the chase is up. They have already had their fill. I must be like rice and potatoes.

Or maybe I’m really aggravating.

Further introspection leads me to realize, I’m decidedly feminine in nature. I moved into my own place recently and have slowly been collecting bits of furniture and decoration. It’s a lovely blend of all things that scream “woman”.

Tucker and I are quite enjoying our new space, though there seem to be more days than paycheck. Moving is so expensive! Deposits here and there and all the whatnot. But that’s a minor worry at this point. I’ve not been quite so at peace about coming home.

Currently the little fluff is running around looking for more dog treats. Since he is always hiding them from himself, it’s a perpetual egg hunt for both of us.

I’ve got loads of professional stuff going on, I’m now a main referral source for two major hospitals. It’s all dealing with infants and conditions they have at birth. I’m very happy about being able to help these munchkins. It appeases the part of my heart that still mourns for children I may never have.

I’ve been lost in this walking dream, about an encounter I had with someone recently. I could tell he was worried, anxiety and stress pushing beyond his skin. His handsome face lined with it. Once a week he comes to me and we share a few hours. His strong body more than an equal match for mine. But, this day in particular he was hungry, primal. Seeking an outlet.

It was the first time I had provided playful resistance. It ignited the animal he so carefully keeps in check. There were no cradling hugs or tender kisses as he pulled orgasm after orgasm from me. His tongue blazed hot trails across me, so demanding. When I was able to finally slide him into me, the heavy girth pleasantly stretching me, it wasn’t long after that I was yet again clinging to him.

The next half hour was a blur. Sensation is all I can remember. Overwhelming and wonderful.

Neither one of us had kept track of time, so we rushed to put our clothes on. In this I felt loss. The rush of parting. But! The encounter was so, satisfying. So completely wonderful.

It’s something I’ll hold onto for a while.

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December moments

Pulse

It beats through me

A steady

Pulse

Pulse

Pulse

Pulse

Ancient and rhythmic

Wild and hardly controlled

My mouth waters

I want you.

I want the untamed taste of your tongue in my mouth.

I want to tighten and twist my body around the

Rigid

Part of you thrusting into me.

Feeling my

Pulse

Wrapped around you.

Pulse

3. 2. 1.

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I apologize for any tectonic shift this massive release of energy has caused. If you are victim of bleeding noses, perforated ear drums or any other form of bodily injury due to the loud decibel cry in the south please seek medical assistance.

*stomps off grumbling*

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Negative tests

A long time ago I was diagnosed infertile. I struggled with my identity as a woman. I had always always always wanted to be a mother. Recently a dr. told me fertility was a possibility. It re ignited my maternal hope. Then I was brought to the ER due to side effects of my medication. Disparity, yet again, welcomed me into her arms.

This short version of an eight year struggle was necessary to tell you about tonight.

Yeash this is not easy. See I’ve been having all the symptoms. All of them, text book symptoms. But there was zero possibility. Literally none, I’ve not been sexually active! I’m sitting on the porch today with my dying mother and she says with light in her eyes. “Well maybe you should test anyway.”

Maybe I should test. I should? Yes, I should.

So off to the drug store I go. I’m buying eyeliner and a pregnancy test. I’m standing behind a frantic mother of two searching for gluten free snacks. I’m watching the beautiful ebony curls of the little girl running down the aisle.

And fuck if hope doesn’t start to grow.

Against ALL odds, who am I really? Mary?

Fuck fuck fuck.

I swipe my card, donate 2 dollars to cancer research. Get in my truck and drive home. My body, HURTS. I ache everywhere. But all I can think about is carrying my baby.

All I know is the heartache I’ll feel when the test is negative. I throw my clothes in the washing machine and stare at the test in my hand. The machine starts filling up and then agitating. My dog is dancing in my ankles. All I can do is stare at this test.

I sit down and watch the lines. Wait for the one I know I’ll never get. I stupidly pray for that fucking positive sign. I wish and hope and am positive I’ve been a good girl karmically.

Just one. It’s all I want.

One.

One positive sign. One pregnancy. One baby. Ten healthy fingers and ten healthy toes. I want to see my daddy’s eyes staring back at me. My moms nose. My silly smile. I want to run my fingers through soft curls. I want to hold my baby.

I’ve never, since my original diagnosis been able to say these things. I’ve never been able to just say it out loud. But there it is. Tomorrow I’ll have to remind myself, as I’m surrounded by a sister, a cousin, an aunt who never wanted children and have six between them. As I watch families bursting at the seams. What will I say to myself?

All of these thoughts happen in three minutes. Three minutes for me to be positive that’s it’s negative.

And there it was the big blue minus. The cannon ball bursting through my ship.

Fuck.

My phone chimes “I really hope it’s not a hysterical pregnancy.” Yes mom, I know. Me too.

I do want to reassure you that I’m fine. It helps to just write it down. Get it out. “Shake off the willies”.

Negative tests

Almost

I was .  . That close to falling asleep, but remembered I made a promise to someone about a story.

She felt like something was bursting within her. Anger, fear, desire. His chuckle reverberated through her chest as she fought against him.

He held her firmly, feeling the surprising strength in her body. She had promised a fight and boy was she ever giving it.

A group of men watched from afar, binoculars in hand, cool air circling their feet. She was feisty! Bets were being placed, large wads of cash thrown on a table. Was she really going to escape the Hunter?

They had promised! If she could evade him for three hours she had won her freedom and six hundred dollars. If she were caught well, the slick grins on their faces did not ease any fears. She would not be caught.

The Hunter held on tightly while she beat against him. She would tire soon, they always did. Ah, see she relaxed in his arms. He had expected more fight!

She hung limply, her hair covering most of her face. His arms began to loosen, she took a deep breath and sighed.

“A thousand she’ll make a break for it.”

Her feet touched the ground for just a moment. He had never anticipated her knee in his groin. Quickly she ran, as if a thousand demons chased her.

The Hunter coughed and groaned, well lesson learned. He followed easily enough, her wild path, even more wild hair, the scent of her arousal. This witch would pay for that jab.

Almost

Wildfire

Passion burns inside of me. Sometimes I am unaware that it shows. Dancing flames in my eyes. I caught myself today in the mirror, burning. The gentle caress of heat across my skin.

I’ve mentioned before, maybe in a past life my fear of consuming those I love. Of burning them up with my intense emotions. Yesterday I spoke with a friend who is seeing someone that she describes: “loves like you. A complete and encompassing journey to learning oneself simply by being loved. Its like being safe in the middle of a raging sea”

I’m contemplating that today. Reminding myself that someone who can withstand it is out there.

Wildfire

Aching

My heart hurts tonight. Treacherous people circle around my happy times. A near frenzy of sharks feeding. Waiting for the first drop of blood.

Along with my body, medical issues demanded all of my energy for 5 weeks or so. Now I’m filling all of these vouchers bought for my business. (Which please realize I am NOT complaining about it) Truthfully I’m just observing.

Then again I’m probably just sleepy. Also fantasizing about my own place. With a GIANT bed that I can fill with lush pillows. I’m going to get a big good for snuggling dog and my little Pomeranian and we will have sleepy perfect nights.

Yep. That’s what I’m dreaming about tonight. Mostly 🙂

The rest of my thoughts leave me writhing in sweet agony. Imagining being slowly taken. The pain delivered precise and shattering.

What a juxtaposition.

Aching