Reflections

Of all the forums I have to express these words, the appropriate one fails me currently. As I pack up my small two bedroom apartment moments have been bittersweet. Some have just been sad. A few, well a few have been regrets. I have made strides to say I would never live a life I would regret. Yet I find myself here, thinking of the ghosts of the last 18 months.

As my hands touch the very fiber of things i’ve spent 30 years trying to run from.  My mind reminds me that fear and devestation I’ve experienced in the first quarter of my life are dead. He is long gone, though his teachings and scars bind me at times. The gentle healing that my mom  attempted to provide after guilt drove her to action. I don’t have to carry that weeping suitcase around anymore either.

I try to highlight the things that she’s missing. How much she would have loved MC, how I am the things she always loved about me. Gentle, kind, loving, forgiving, and I’m sure for someone my smile still lights up the room. I’m sure they feel like my hand resting on their forearm is a moment of peace. That they look at me and see a million stars waiting to burst. That is the regret. Knowing I won’t ever see her recognize the way I’ve grown.

I think of my lovers here. Who held my head above water in the tsunami of my life. The one who sat with me in my miniscule bathroom and was present with me while I cried in my shower. Just there, a silent pillar of support for me. He helped me believe I was beautiful all the time. Not just when I was made up and ready to socialize. He made me feel worthy, appreciated, loved. *If you read this, thank you. For all of the ways you believed in me. You made me feel hopeful. For myself and my future.*

There are moments when all of the loss feels like total devestation. As if surely one day a board will Crack and the house of my life will implode on itself.

Then I remember that MC is someone who has always been my partner. He has always always supported when my own legs failed. But not so much that I’ve forgotten I have legs. I recognize his flaws. I feel as if I can love him without rose colored glasses shading my view. The feeling is calm and sure. A steadiness I’ve never felt. It’s a new adventure.

While I move forward with the lessons of my past, some of those things with varying degrees of presence, it’s hopeful.

I have hope. Thank you for walking with me. For walking for me when I couldnt.

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Reflections

Yesterday

My morning started off with a bit of a drive and then a visit to my new Naturopath. We ran a biofeedback scan, if you are unfamiliar its awesome. Your hand is placed in a cradle and your biorhythms are read through electric pulses. (The simple break down of it). Then I was asked LOADS of questions, most of them on track with issues I’m having. Some I’ve had in the past. After this you get a huge report, with recommendations for diet changes and supplements. One of the most interesting parts of the report to me dips into emotional issues. This section has suggested therapies from Bach flower. I will add a link at the end, but it listed 5 flowers that would help me deal with certain people in my life.

Very interesting. Basically seeing how I perceive and then again how my heart percieves people in my life. Which leads me to my afternoon experience with my new therapist (I apologize for the self discovery stuff and complete lack of kink, which seems to be on a absolutely different plane of existence) Now I haven’t seen a therapist since my mom attempted to scare the crap out of me as an early teen. But she was welcoming and interested. At one point I noted something really touched home with her, and while that’s not the point of therapy, her empathy was a warm balm. I left feeling energized and different somehow. She made mention of how my life seems punctuated by catastrophes. How they all seem to converge in a small window of time. I’ve started wondering why that is. Maybe part of me ignores dealing with problems until they are all at bursting. Until my attention is necessary. So it seems like they happen at once because I deal with them at once.

We also talked about Mind (the adult self), Body (inner child), Spirit (soul). Now that may be wrong, please don’t ever take anything I say as absolutes. She took a moment to validate my Body’s coping mechanism. About me building this huge library and storing things in boxes. She made sure to acknowledge my inner child. It was moving, I could feel the tension on my face trying to keep me from crying. This self examination is strange, allowing someone to examine the pieces I pick apart.

We also talked about my open/poly lifestyle and how that’s changed. More truths were said, about me shaking commitment. Only allowing small deposits instead of full investments. Me giving just enough so that I stay in control. I’ve mused these very things with friends of mine. Often laughing at my avoidance techniques, even mentioning here how I’ve wiggled out of tense situations with sex.

I also talked to her about my lifestyle, which has always garnered such negative reviews in the past. While I know I’m paying her to listen, I think I’m fairly perceptive. But, her opinion didn’t just spill out and tell me I’m wrong. It was a relief really. Grand total is, I like her. I think she will be one of the people that truly helps me in this stage of my journey.

Now I’m off to take a test, which seems pretty interesting. More self reflection. Yay.

Be well friends, thank you for reading it all and still coming back for more.

A

Yesterday