After a lifetime of being told “You are too much.” yesterday was all about me not being enough. Im really tired of being everyone’s round peg to lean on when they are tired of their rough squared edges.
I feel like I have no where to fit in. Because everything I am doesn’t feel wanted. Its awful feeling like you are just filling in space.
Some days my heart and emotions are a locked up cage. If you dare to reach your fingers through the bars you could be delighted or devastated. Other days I am a loosely bound book lying in the grass. A gentle wind shimmers by and my pages go flying free. Then there is today.
When I feel as if everything, the book, the cage, its all scattered in the storm.
It’s today that my sister decides, its time to be Bridezilla. Using my observations as arsenal. Giving me excuses as to why I’m being excluded from things I was so looking forward to sharing with her. Laying the foundation for excluding me from bigger things still to come.
I can’t begin to tell you the unrest my heart feels.
Tomorrow make a year that mom is gone.
I want to disconnect.
Ive never known a woman who can break me like she does.
I fear the day when my spirit is gone completely. The day when I have not one more ounce of fight. It happens in shifts that I am beaten. When I think about how easy quitting everything would be. Pack up the essentials, sell off everything else and run.
A brand new start somewhere else. When I get tired of there move on again.
Then underneath the oppressive cloud of fear and anger a bubble of hope appears. One bubble becoming so much more. Everything becoming much more clear. A reminder that I can keep pushing. I just need to make sure its in a direction I can actually thrive.
Clearly I don’t make good life choices. I had drinks with a man who initially was funny. A bit direct. That quickly turned into pushy and it pushed me way to far.
I feel so dirty right now.
I hate that I feel like I owe someone something because they pay attention to me. I hate that a man, even one who is physically smaller than me, can scare me into situations I don’t want to be in. I hate that even when I say “no” and “I want you to stop” people don’t listen to me.
I hate being scared in my own fucking house. I hate that I dissociated so much from what just happened that he sat on my couch and planned out 4 more dates.
No more meeting new people for me.
So I’d written, “Read one new book a month.” I finished my 13 book of the year Thursday. This isn’t to say I’ll stop reading 🙂 just that I’m marking it off. The majority of these books were just for fun, I still have a dozen or so lying around the house in various stages of unread. Here’s a list if you’re interested:
1) “Kidnapped the wrong sister” Marie Kelly. As predictable as it sounds, I have to admit I merely scanned through 50 pages or so.
2)”Beautiful Creatures” I enjoyed this bit of teen drama. It was a lovely way to fill my extra time.
3) “The Faceless One” at times oddly creepy. Parts of it still let my over active imagination run wild.
4) “The Last Clinic” Initially I was having a difficult time weaving the story line together. It was time consuming though, so it served it purpose.
5) “The Proposition” not bad if I remember correctly.
6-10) The next few are a series that I really did enjoy. You’ll see I’m often stuck I’m fairytales lol.
11) “Twenty Eight and a Half Wishes” though I figured the plot out very early, I still liked this book. Parts of it had me giggling.
Working on a book by Freud and a few scientific journals. Then all my oils and herbs, of course a few poetry books (one was moms from college, I’ve always cherished and more so now). I’m also thinking of learning Spanish, how boring am I?
I hope you are well.